The Meanings and Blessings of Family Work

Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of . . . work. 


While hard work in other contexts is generally regarded as a virtue, family work--the necessary, hands-on labor of sustaining life by feeding , clothing, and sheltering a family--has become the work no one wants to do. Housework is also a major source of contention between the sexes. One study found that six months into marriage, disagreement over allocation of household chores was the top source of conflict between husband and wife, and it remained so after five years.

We Must Leave the Ease of Eden to Follow the Savior
When Adam and Eve left the garden, they exchanged an existence sustained without effort for a life grounded in hard work. When family members work together in the right spirit, a foundation of caring and commitment grows out of their shared experience. The most ordinary tasks, like fixing meals or doing laundry, hold great potential for connecting us to those we serve and with whom we serve.

Prosaic Work Connects People and Changes Hearts
Family work is prosaic work--commonplace, even tedious or dull. But these small, everyday events combine to form the character of a week, a month, a year, and eventually a lifetime. The daily work of feeding, clothing, and sheltering others has the power to transform us spiritually as we transform others physically. Said Elder Russell M. Nelson: "The home is the great laboratory of love. There the raw chemicals of selfishness and greed are melded in the crucible of cooperation to yield compassionate concern and love for another.

Prosaic Work Was Once the Norm

1. The changing work of fathers-Men used to learn the trade of their fathers and took pride in doing what they "were called to do." Because men's tradition of working with their fathers changed providing for one's family came to mean bringing home a paycheck to purchase goods and services rather than performing physical tasks of feeding, clothing, and sheltering family members. 
2. The changing work of mothers-The work of mothers hasn't changed but how it's done has. Women were told that applying methods of factory and business management at home world ease their burdens and raise the status of their work by "professionalizing it." Surprisingly, the proposed innovations did neither. Machines tended to replace what husbands did. Older children went to school and to jobs. This left mothers with a longer workday and tasks like shopping and driving children around was added. Work, once enjoyed alongside family and friends, began to feel lonely, boring, and monotonous. 
3. The changing work of children-Children used to help alongside the family in the work to be done. Recent time-use studies show that today's children do minimal housework, and the little they do is mostly for themselves, such as cleaning their own rooms or doing their own laundry. 

Parents Do Not Need a Perfect System for Doing Chores

1. Work that unifies hearts is "not after the manner of men."
2. Parents should seek an approach based on "attentive love."

All Family Members Are Vital to Family Work

1. Children can learn to take responsibility for family work
2. Mothers set the household tone for family work
3. Fathers set the example for participation in household chores

Family Work Becomes a Joyful Blessing When Not Seen as a Burden

The daily rituals of family work are the Lord's gift and blessing to all people and cultures, providing daily opportunities for parents to teach while working alongside their children, for husbands to draw closer to their wives, and for siblings to bond while they work together to serve the family. Daily rituals of cooking, packing lunches, washing dishes, making beds, folding laundry, weeding gardens, sweeping floors, and countless other prosaic tasks are the invisible glue that can bind families together. Instead of asking how to make such work go away, parents should ask how to use it to increase love and joy in their families. 

From the textbook, Successful Marriages and Families, Hawkins, Alan J., Dollahite, David C., & Draper, Thomas W., 2012.

Repentance and Forgiveness in Family Life

Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of . . . repentance [and] forgiveness. 

Interpersonal transgressions are common occurrences in all families. They range from misunderstandings and minor mistakes, such as forgetting to take out the garbage, to more substantive disagreements and grievous sins. In most families, where there are almost daily interpersonal transgressions, repentance and forgiveness need to be ongoing.

Repentance and Forgiveness: An Interactive Process

Although the process of repentance and forgiveness is interpersonal, successful outcomes are profoundly intrapersonal--experienced individually, apart from or in addition to any interpersonal interaction. The noted forgiveness researcher Worthington wrote, "Forgiveness does not occur in a relationship. It occurs within the forgiver."

Factors Associated with Forgiveness 

There are 3 factors that influence a victim's decision to forgive:

1. situational factors-like intention of harm, repetition of offense, severity of the consequences, cancellation or not of the consequences, presence of apologies, and/or compensation from the offender.
2. relational factors-like offender's identity and his or her proximity with the victim, his or her hierarchial status, his or her attitude after the offense, and environmental pressures.
3. personality factors-like the victim's personality

Why Repent and Forgive?
Mental health experts acknowledge that it is impossible to address emotional and physical well-being without considering the relevance of repentance and forgiveness. Likewise, the words of ancient and modern prophets affirm that repentance and forgiveness are central to the gospel plan.

Cautions in Conceptualizing Forgiveness
A number of myths surround the conceptualization of forgiveness. Some writers are uncomfortable with forgiveness because empowerment of the victim, not reconciliation between the abuse and victim, is usually the therapeutic goal for victims of family abuse. And there is a perception that Western culture unfairly targets women as the ones who are expected to forgive. In summarizing the work of several authors, Rye and Pargament noted that forgiveness should not be confused legal pardon, condoning, or forgetting. It is also distinct from reconciliation. These are not necessary for forgiveness and its attendant benefits for the victim to be obtained.

Repenting after Interpersonal Transgression
Repentance is a process of enhancing internal awareness and interpersonal accountability. Outwardly, the offender not only acknowledges wrongdoing but also make reparation Inwardly, repentance is achieved through humility and empathy, making it possible for the offenders to see themselves and those they wounded with a new perspective that is refreshing and motivating.

Several things have to be considered such has humility, empathy, guilt, apology and change. Apologies are essential for reconciliation although in the case of severe interpersonal transgressions, it takes more than apology to restore love and trustworthiness.

Steps to the repentance  process:

1. Recognize the sin. We admit to ourselves that we have done something wrong. 
2. Feel sorrow for the sin. Feeling sorrowful, we are humble and submissive before God, and we come to Him with a broken heart and contrite spirit. 
3. Forsake the sin. We stop committing the sin and pledge to never do it again. 
4. Confess. We should confess all our sins to the Lord. In addition, we must confess serious sins that might affect our standing in the Church to the proper ecclesiastical authority. 
5. Make restitution. Insofar as possible, we make right any wrong that we have done. 

Forgiving an Interpersonal Transgression

1. Releasing from Debt-Forgiveness has been compared to cancelling a debt. Metaphorically, if that debt were a financial loan that was not likely to be repaid, the victim (lender) would have to weigh the benefit of being free of the hassle and bad feelings against the benefit of having a vague hope of repayment in the future and being able to hold the debtor forever responsible for the victim's own financial needs. Forgiveness might come as an altruistic gift, or because the debtor somehow deserved the money but rather because the lender chose to be gracious. Alternatively, forgiveness might be granted simply as a way of freeing the lender from the entanglement of the relationship. 
2. How to Forgive?

• Recall the hurt
• Empathize
• Offer the altruistic gift of forgiveness
• Commit publicly to forgive
• Hold on to forgiveness

One-Way Forgiveness

1. Recognize the offense
2. Sorrow for the offense
3. Disclose
4. Avoid the offending behavior
5. Make restitution

From the textbook, Successful Marriages and Families, Hawkins, Alan J., Dollahite, David C., & Draper, Thomas W., 2012.

Sanctification and Cooperation: How Prayer helps Strengthen Relationships in Good Times and Heal Relationships in Bad Times

Successful marriages...are established and maintained on principles of...prayer.

Drawing on the powers of heaven through prayer is a powerful resource available to couples that can make a good relationship better and can heal a faltering marriage.

Prayer and Sanctification of Marriage

When people perceive something as sacred, it changes the way they treat it. For example, workers who defined their work as a "calling" reported missing fewer days than those who defined it as a "job" or a "career." It is also reported that those who viewed their bodies as sacred placed a higher priority on daily physical exercise. What about the idea of "sanctification of marriage" as perceiving one's marriage as being holy and sacred? Sanctification of marriage can be defined as a process by which secular aspects of one's relationship are perceived as having spiritual significance.


Prayer and Restoring Cooperative Goals

Conflict is a universal part of marriage. For many, unresolved contention eventually leads to the dissolution of the marriage. Prayer, however, can help protect couples from divorce by healing the relationship and restoring harmony to the marriage. Elder Dallin H. Oaks advised:

If you are already descending into the low state of marriage-in-name-only, please join hands, kneel together, and prayerfully plead for help and the healing power of the Atonement. Your humble and united pleadings will bring you closer to the Lord and to each other and will help you in the hard climb back to marital harmony. 

According to Goal Theory, two primary goals exist in any relationship: cooperative goals and emergent goals. Cooperative goals reflect a win-win mentality in which couples are actively helping each other to succeed. Conversely, emergent goals reflect a win-lose mentality and commonly surface during times of conflict.

Prayer and de-escalation during conflict-A qualitative study found that religious practices such as prayer helped couples to manage their anger during marital conflict. Couples in another study reported that prayer alleviated tension and facilitated open communication during conflict situations.

Partner-focused prayer, cooperative goals, and forgiveness-Praying specifically for a partner's well-being is especially good for communication. Given that feelings are often hurt during conflict, necessitating forgiveness, assumes that praying for a partner would increase forgiveness. This is an impact of praying for a partner's well-being. Partner-focused prayer transformed relationship goals, even in the hear of an insult or conflict and that this transformation of goals facilitated forgiveness.




From the textbook, Successful Marriages and Families, Hawkins, Alan J., Dollahite, David C., & Draper, Thomas W., 2012.

Faith in Family Life

Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith [and] prayer. 


This page is to examine the connection between faith and successful marriages and families, based on the social science record. As part of this examination, a central element of faith--prayer--is explored and its connection to successful marriages and families.

Readers should be aware that it is difficult, perhaps impossible, for social science to "prove" that faith "causes" stronger marriages or other family outcomes. It is reasonable to conclude, for example, that persons in a healthy marriage are more likely to want to attend church together than a couple who are facing divorce. So, does faith influence family or does family influence faith? The answer is almost certainly both--but in terms of social science, the best we can usually do is to discover and examine correlations, or relationships, between ideas such as faith and the quality of family life.

Dimension One: Religious Community and Family
Religious community and marital fidelity-One recent study reported "that with the exception of two religious groups, holding any religious affiliation is associated with reduced odds of marital infidelity compared to those with no religious affiliation." It seems that the combination of marital satisfaction and shared religious involvement may work together to provide an effective preventive maintenance program for marital fidelity.

Religious community and avoidance of pornography, violence, and conflict-A recent study addressed Internet pornography, a growing concern because of its negative effects on the marital relationship and family ties , and found that greater church attendance was related to lower rates of pornography use. Similarly, another study found that regular attendance at religious services was related to lower rates of domestic violence for men and women.

Religious community and the importance of being "equally yoked"-Differences in religious attendance also relate to increased conflict around parenting, as well as other domains of life. Faith involvement can be a unifying blessing or a contentious curse. Religious commitments that reportedly help bind marriages when shared often produce tension and conflict when these commitments are unshared. This is especially true of faiths that require significant sacrifices of time and money.

Religious community and mothering-Women who are involved in a faith community are significantly more likely to have children. Research indicates that religious involvement and engagement influence family-related decisions (like the type of marriage, timing of marriage, and fertility) and that family decisions (for example, divorce or voluntary childlessness) can negatively influence religious involvement.

Religious community and fathering-A man with serious religious commitment and involvement, on average, is more likely than one with little or no religious involvement to:

• remain sexually chaste before marriage and faithful to his marriage vows
• be and remain committed to marriage and children even during times of difficulty and thus not bring the trials and challenges of divorce upon his wife and children
• be highly involved in the lives of his children of his children and parent with higher degrees of emotional warmth
• practice kindness and mercy in his relationship with his children and be less likely to abuse his children
• remain involved with his children in the face of challenging circumstances such as dissolution of marriage or disability of a child
• avoid practices that harm family relationships such as substance abuse, crime, violence, child abuse, pornography, gambling, and idleness.

Dimension Two: Religious Practices and Family
The religious practice of prayer in marriage-Over the past 15 years, prayer has received increased attention in connection with marriage. A qualitative study by Butler and colleagues produced several finding that were substantiated and supported by a quantitative study. These findings included participants' statements of belief that prayer enhanced experiences of emotional validation; promoted accountability toward deity; de-escalated negative interactions, contempt, hostility, and emotional reactivity; enhanced relationship behavior; facilitated partner empathy; increased self-change focus; encouraged reconciliation and problem-solving; and promoted a sense of guidance from God.

The religious practice of family rituals-Several religious practices increase the quality of a family relationship. These include meaningful religious holiday rituals and home-based family worship such as Family Home Evening.

Religious practices and the parent-child bond-Rituals can be powerful, but sometimes simple conversation can be salient as well. One study found that most Christian mothers in their study frequently engaged in discussions with their children regarding matters of faith--a practice that has been reported to be influential, even years later in children's lives. Kind, loving behavior by parents seems to facilitate the ability of a child to conceive of (and believe in) a loving God, while hostile parental practices seem to dispel a child's faith in a benevolent supreme being.

Dimension Three: Religious Beliefs and Family
Religious beliefs and parenting-Studies indicate that mothers in more positive mother-child relationships are more likely to transmit their religious beliefs to their adolescent children, and that agreement between mothers and their children on religious issues protects against child depression.

Research from the past decade or so has linked religious beliefs with higher levels of fathers' care for and commitment to children as well as increased father involvement.

Religious beliefs and marriage-Statistical and real-world differences in marriage tend to emerge when we compare spouses who share religious involvement with those who do not. Religious beliefs increase the sanctity of marriage and gives it a sacred, spiritual, or religious character.


From the textbook, Successful Marriages and Families, Hawkins, Alan J., Dollahite, David C., & Draper, Thomas W., 2012.

They Cannot Be Lost: Temple Covenants Save Families

The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally. 

Is There Really Hope?

Our Heavenly Father knows, far better than any mortal, the pain and sorrow associated with having children who exercise their moral agency to their condemnation rather than exaltation. Can there be any better parent than God? Children's decisions may bring us sorrow, no matter how faithfully we have taught our children. This consolation does not excuse families from their obligation to teach and model correct principles and try to lead their children to Christ, but it does bring a clearer perspective of the divine work of parents and families.

Parents can pray, cultivate certain emotions including love unfeigned, patience, and long-suffering, and be wary of emotions such as anger, hate, resentment, envy, and jealousy.

It should be no surprise that in the Proclamation love is virtually commanded and tied to moral commitment and obligation, even toward family members who seem committed to breaking God's commandments. The commands are: Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. It also says parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness,  . . . to teach them to love and serve one another. Forgiveness, respect, love, and compassion are essential to success in family life.


The Saving Power of Temple Covenants

There is every reason to believe that the wayward children of righteous parents will, in the end, receive salvation. Amid the anguished experiences of wandering children, abuse, addiction, and every other conceivable heartache, the words of the prophets are clear and unequivocal. From the teachings of Joseph Smith through the teachings of the prophets of our day, the message of hope is this: temple covenants save families.

In 1929, Elder Orson F. Whitney said:

The Prophet Joseph Smith declared--and he never taught more comforting doctrine--that the eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises made to them for valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would save not only themselves, but likewise their posterity. Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. They will have to pay their debt to justice; they will suffer for their sins; and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like the penitent Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving father's heart and home, the painful experience will not have been in vain. Pray for your careless and disobedient children; hold on to them with your faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God. 

Joseph Smith taught: When a seal [the everlasting covenant] is put upon the father and mother, it secures their posterity, so that they cannot be lost, but will be saved by virtue of the covenant of their mother and father.

Triumph Over Satan

How is it possible that the willful and wayward disobedient can be reclaimed? After all, the scriptures are very clear that "this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors" (Alma 34:32). Perhaps it is beneficial to consider how much we once knew, how clearly we once understood the choice between right and wrong, and that in the future the same clear understanding will return to all of the children of God.

Having the reassurance of prophets and apostles that the sealing power of the holy priesthood is sufficient to allow righteous parents to reclaim their wayward children, we can do everything in our power to ensure that we merit exaltation, and leave the timing of our children's acceptance of the gospel to the Lord. Joseph Smith's exhortation in Doctrine and Covenants 128:22 captures the idea that, ultimately, triumph will be the Lord's "for the prisoners shall go free."


From the textbook, Successful Marriages and Families, Hawkins, Alan J., Dollahite, David C., & Draper, Thomas W., 2012.

Modern Fertility Patterns and God's Commandment to Multiply and Replenish the Earth

The first commandment God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. 

Multiply and Replenish: A Command from the Lord
On the sixth day of creation, God created Adam and Eve in His image, blessed them, and gave them the commandment to "be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it." In essence God commanded Adam and Eve to have children in order to fill the earth "with the measure of man" and bring it under productive cultivation.

Parenthood is the ideal apprenticeship for our duties and responsibilities as exalted beings. Thus, it appears that the whole gospel plan hinges on being willing to keep this commandment.

Current Fertility Trends
Modern fertility patterns reveal that men and women around the world are choosing to have much smaller families and much more frequently choosing to have no children at all. These decisions not to "multiply and replenish the earth" have significant consequences for generations to come.

The Total Fertility Rate (TFR) or the average number of children a woman bears in her lifetime, is a telling demographic statistic. For any society to persist, women must have enough babies to replace the population. In societies with lower infant mortality rates and access to modern health care, the TFR to achieve stasis would be 2.1 children per woman . However, where infant mortality is higher and access to modern health care is limited, replacement TFR is higher. Latest demographic projections indicate that by 2050, deaths will outnumber births and the earth will begin to see depopulation--continued population losses.

Why Fertility Rates Are Decreasing
Decreasing economic value of children has, in part, brought about a decrease in fertility rates. Throughout most of human history, societies and civilizations have been organized to maximize human reproduction to assure survival. Even with fertility rates averaging eight or more children per woman, population growth was slow and sporadic until the last century, High levels of maternal and infant mortality, disease, poverty, poor nutrition, persistent local warfare, dangerous living conditions, and accidents all contributed to the need to maximize fertility in order to simply replace the population. With such bleak prospects for family growth, children in almost all cultures were considered a blessing from God, "an heritage of the Lord"

Additionally, for most of it's existence humankind has lived in rural areas with economies based on subsistence agriculture. In this setting, children, in addition to their intangible worth, were also economic assets. They could help their family survive by being involved in planting, harvesting, and raising livestock. However, since the industrial revolution, increasing numbers of families live in urban environments and work in non-agricultural settings. Thus, for the majority of parents in developed countries, children have become economic liabilities rather than assets.

Also fear of overpopulation, government pressure, childfree lifestyles, and widespread contraceptive use contribute to the decline of fertility rates.

Potential Consequences of Low Fertility Rates
Depopulation is a real worry. One ancillary issue is that since depopulation seems to occur more readily among the educated than the uneducated, the overall education level of the world's population may decrease.  Population aging is another issue. There will be a much greater proportion of elderly people than young and will need someone to take care of them both financially and physically.

Potential Worldwide Consequences of Depopulation and Aging
There are economic consequences of depopulation. Patterns of fertility and population growth have spiritual as well as temporal consequences. Scholars and policymakers are just starting to realize the serious long-term negative consequences that failing to multiply and replenish the earth may have on the global economy. Recently, the UN Population Division has warned that depopulation and the resultant aging population will result in the widespread decrease of what is called the potential support ratio on a global basis. Simply put, this is the ratio of the number of workers in the labor force to the number who are not in the labor force. When the potential support ratio decreases, it creates an environment where an increasing number of economically dependent individuals are supported by a relatively smaller number of contributors.

Potential Individual and Familial Consequences 
The transition to parenthood is considered to be a normative stage in marriage. Foregoing that stage may affect the stability and satisfaction in the marriage. Married couples who choose to be childless possibly may be more likely to separate and divorce when marital satisfaction wanes. The idea that people are "staying together for the kids" is sometimes true.

We are moving toward a world where having just one child is more and more common. Many children will grow up without brothers or sisters, without cousins, without aunts and uncles, without nieces and nephews. Children without siblings or extended family may have a less than optimal environment for development. All these kin relationships have traditionally provided a rich context for social development.

Depopulation may adversely affect elderly individuals. The reduction in potential support ratios puts into question the long-term viability of inter-generational social support systems that are particularly crucial for the well-being of the aged.

Blessings of Multiplying and Replenishing the Earth
There are promised blessings for those who are willing to invest in the next generation. And there are those who continue,, primarily for religious reasons , to have children in sufficient numbers to replenish the population. Multiplying and replenishing the earth yields the blessing of more stability for society as a whole. Bearing and caring for children is a blessing that contributes to adult development by facilitating generativity. Prophets and apostles have also associated parenting with the blessing of joy. President Hinckley proclaimed

Of all the joys of life, none other equals that of happy parenthood. Of all the responsibilities with which we struggle, none other is so serious. To rear children in an atmosphere of love, security, and faith is the most rewarding of all challenges. The good result from such efforts becomes life's most satisfying compensation.

LDS Church Guidelines on Personal Fertility Control

The official website of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints presents the following under the heading "Birth Control: An Introduction."

Children are one of the greatest blessings in life, and their birth into loving and nurturing families is central to God's Purposes for humanity. When husband and wife are physically able, they have the privilege and responsibility to bring children into the world and to nurture them. The decision of how many children to have and when to have them is a private matter for the husband and wife.

God has a plan for the happiness of all who live on the earth, and the birth of children in loving families is central to His plan. The first commandment He gave to Adam and Eve was to "be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth" (Genesis 1:28). The scriptures declare, "Children are a heritage of the Lord" (Psalm 127:3). Those who are physically able to have the blessing, joy, and obligation to bear children and to raise a family. This blessing should not be postponed for selfish reasons.

Sexual relations within marriage are not only for the purpose of procreation, but also a means of expressing love and strengthening emotional and spiritual ties between husband and wife.

Husband and wife are encouraged to pray and counsel together as they plan their families. Issues to consider include the physical and mental health of the the mother and father and their capacity to provide the basic necessities of life for their children.

Decisions about birth control and the consequences of those decisions rest solely with each married couple. Elective abortion as a method of birth control, however, is contrary to the commandments of God.  

From the textbook, Successful Marriages and Families, Hawkins, Alan J., Dollahite, David C., & Draper, Thomas W., 2012.

Parenting in Gospel Context: Practices Do Make a Difference

Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God, and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. 

Parenting, Genes, and Peers

The family proclamation makes clear that Heavenly Father expect parents to have significant influence in the lives of their children. God's plan for His children may be ideally characterized as the placement of children into homes where parents are committed to their development and proclamation principles as practiced. No other arrangement is as effective, as demonstrated by the First Presidency's call to parents

to devote their best efforts to the teaching and rearing of their children in gospel principles which will keep them close to the Church. The home is the basis of a righteous life, and no other instrumentality can take its place or fulfill its essential functions in carrying forward the God-given responsibility. 

As further evidence of the inspired and timely nature of the family proclamation, at the time of its pronouncement a new controversy regarding parental influence was emerging. Specifically, social scientist debated the relative influence of parents with some defending substantial parental influence while others argued that parents in fact have little influence on child outcomes. Advocates of the latter position believe the primary determinants of child outcomes are in the child's DNA or peer group influence.

. . . [I]n the midst of confusion generated by differing theoretical perspectives, extant empirical evidence readily asserts that parental influence can significantly interact with genetic predispositions and other environmental influences to help shape behavior. Hence, parents should follow Brigham Young's counsel to "study their children's dispositions and temperaments, and deal with them accordingly."

Parenting Styles versus Practice

Parenting styles have been defined as "constellations of behaviors that describe parent-child interactions over a wide range of situations and that are presumed to create a pervasive interactional climate". Authoritative parents are presumed to create a positive interational climate based on an optimal balance of high warmth and high expectations, which environment in turn leads children and adolescents to be most receptive to parental influence. Elder Robert D. Hales has taught, "The key to strengthening our families is having the Spirit of the Lord come into our homes." In essence, authoritative parenting creates an interactional climate that not only promotes positive parent-child relationships but also invites the Spirit of the Lord.

Certain practices tend to come together in defining a parenting style, but there is room for some flexibility in the practices that determine the overall feel (or style) of parenting. Parents may also tailor their parenting to children of different temperaments or challenges and still be congruent in style with all their children.

Parents need not despair of they do not feel that they are the perfect balance of being both responsive and demanding in their parenting approach.

Psychological Control versus Behavioral Control

An important distinction has also been emphasized in parenting research in recent years: behavioral versus psychological control. Behavioral control is generally what is meant by the term "demandingness" in which parents monitor child behavior and hold children accountable when they misbehave. Appropriate behavioral control is necessary for positive child outcomes. The tone and level of behavioral control are important to positive child development. In contrast, psychological control is generally considered to be deleterious, regardless of its tone or level. Psychological control can be defined as

a rather insidious type of control that potentially inhibits or intrudes upon psychological development through manipulation and exploitation of the parent-child bond (e.g. love-withdrawal and guilt induction), negative affect-laden expressions and criticisms (e.g. disappointment and shame), and excessive personal control (e.g. possessiveness, protectiveness).

The more positive we are, the better our relationships will tend to be. President Hinckley taught this precept:

As children grow through the years, their lives, in large measure, become an extension and a refection of family teaching. If there is harshness, abuse, uncontrolled anger, disloyalty, the fruits will be certain and discernible, and in all likelihood they will be repeated in the generation that follows. If, on the other hand, there is forbearance, forgiveness, respect, consideration, kindness, mercy and compassion, the fruits again will be discernible, and they will be eternally rewarding. They will be positive and sweet and wonderful. . . . I speak to fathers and mothers everywhere with a plea to put harshness behind us, to bridle our anger, to lower our voices, and to deal with mercy and love and respect one toward another in our homes.  

Some Parting Words

Baumrind appropriately captured the complexity of parenting when she described pares as having "the complex task of adjusting their demands and disciplinary methods flexibly to the developing capacities of the child so as to encourage social responsibility without discouraging independence and individuality." Even the best parents sometimes have difficult children to raise due to no fault of their own. Parent who struggle with parenting at whatever level should be encouraged to constantly add potential tools to their "parenting toolbox" by turning to positive discipline books, the examples of family and friends, and gospel teachings. With time, parents can improve as they implement sound principles. Parents should also remember that their own development did not end with adolescence; individuals continue to develop through their parenting experiences.

The Latter-day Saint approach to teaching children, particularly through avenues such as family home evening and scripture study, is most essential to promoting understanding and internalization of important values that will guide behavior. Similarly, prayer encourages children's sense of accountability to their Heavenly Father for their lives and actions.

In short, the family that embraces multiple opportunities to teach will generally find that they need to discipline their children less often as their children internalize principles and gradually evidence greater ability for self-control. Parents should not be discouraged by the need to repeat themselves; the same principle is regularly practiced in our church meetings, as well as in our own parent-child relationship with Heavenly Father.


From the textbook, Successful Marriages and Families, Hawkins, Alan J., Dollahite, David C., & Draper, Thomas W., 2012.

Parenting with Love, Limits, and Latitude: Proclamation Principles and Supportive Scholarship

Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness. 

Rearing Children in Love and Righteousness

In order to promote optimal development and to rear children in love and righteousness, the following are crucial elements for each child, although specific implementations and approaches may be individualized based upon the needs and personality of the particular child:

• Love, warmth, and support
• Clear and reasonable expectations for competent behavior
• Limits and boundaries with some room for negotiation and compromise
• Reasoning and developmentally appropriate consequences and punishments for breaching established limits
• Opportunities to perform and make choices
• Absence of coercive, hostile forms of discipline, such as harsh physical punishment, love withdrawal, shaming, and inflicting guilt
• Models of appropriate behavior consistent with self-control, positive values, and positive attitudes

The optimal parenting style is the authoritative parenting style. Authoritative parenting fosters a positive emotional connection with children, provides for regulation that places fair and consistent limits on child behavior, and allows for reasonable child autonomy in decision making. This style creates a positive emotional climate that helps children be more open to parental input and direction, and allows for parents to individualize child rearing. 

Children and adolescents reared by authoritative parents tend to be better adjusted to school, are less aggressive and delinquent, are less likely to abuse drugs, are more friendly and accepted by peers, are more communicative, self-motivated, and academically inclined, and are more willing to abide by laws. They are more capable of moral reasoning, are more self-controlled and are more willing to abide by and reap the blessings of spiritual laws as well. 

Authoritative parenting consists of three well-defined and researched characteristics: connection, regulation, and autonomy which all can be referred to as Love, Limits, and Latitude. 

Love

President Hinckley said:

Every child is entitled to grow up in a home where there is warm and secure companionship, where there is love in the family relationship, where appreciation one for another is taught and exemplified, and where God is acknowledged and His peace and blessings invoked before the family alter. 

Research has documented that children are less aggressive and more sociable and empathetic if they have parents (particularly fathers) who are more loving, patient, playful, responsive, and sympathetic to children's feelings and needs. Children are less likely to push limits and seek attention through misbehavior when they feel that they are a high priority in their parents' lives.  

Limits

Finding ways to effectively help children learn how to regulate their own behavior in non-coercive ways is one of the most challenging parts of authoritative parenting. Determining how and when to tighten or loosen the reins requires considerable creativity, effort and inspiration. In all cases, discipline or correction should be motivated by a sincere interest in teaching children correct principles rather than merely to exert control, exercise dominion, or vent anger. As they apply limits to a child's behavior, authoritative parents must make a conscious effort and use good judgment by taking into consideration the developmental level of the child and the child's individual temperament.

In authoritative homes, parents are clear and firm about rules and expectations. They are confrontive by proactively explaining reasons for setting rules and by administering corrective measures promptly when children do not abide by the rules.

Setting limits and following through with pre-established consequences when rules are violated is one way that parents can help children learn to be self-regulating. 

Latitude

The third component of authoritative parenting is latitude or autonomy. Children benefit from being given choices and appropriate levels of latitude to make their own decisions in a variety of domains. Children learn and grow by learning how to make choices within limits that are acceptable to parents. Whenever possible, supporting children's autonomy helps children view adults as providers of information and guidance rather than as deliverers of messages of control. When children have been taught principles of truth, internalize correct principles, and have many opportunities to make choices within an environment of love and concern, they are more likely to learn to choose wisely.

Because authoritative parenting implies flexibility, this style is more effective than the others in dealing with children, since each child has unique characteristics and varying temperamental dispositions. In other words, each child is guided in a balanced style of connection, regulation and autonomy that best matches his or her set of strengths and weaknesses. 

Maintaining a Strong and Positive Influence on Children

Parents often wonder how they might maintain a strong and righteous influence on their children in a world where there are many other influences seeking for their time, attention, and loyalty. In the context of authoritative parenting, research suggests that it is within the moral and spiritual domains where parents can have the most influence, even though schools, culture, the media, and peer interaction can play major roles as well. For example, studies have shown that while peers have influence, they seem to matter more in superficial aspects of behavior like hair and clothing styles, the use of slang, and transient day-to-day behaviors, all of which can shift frequently with changes in friendships. Parents are more likely to have influence on core values that are reflected in religiosity, political persuasion, and educational plans, to name a few.

Rearing children in love and righteousness, as the proclamation admonishes, requires the best effort parents have to offer. Nevertheless, the rewards of such well-placed time and attention are eternal. President Hinckley said:

Of all the joys of life, none other equals that of happy parenthood. Of all the responsibilities which with we struggle, none other is so serious. To rear children in an atmosphere of love, security, and faith is the most rewarding of all challenges. The good result from such efforts becomes life's most satisfying compensation. 

From the textbook, Successful Marriages and Families, Hawkins, Alan J., Dollahite, David C., & Draper, Thomas W., 2012.