In Laws and Out Laws

The “in law” relationship is high on my radar right about now. My daughter is getting married in September and it sounds like my son will get married before the end of the year. The chapter about in law relationship really struck a chord. Some of it made me feel guilty about some pressure I may have been putting on my oldest. He has been married a year and a half. I asked him if they felt pressured and he said no. That made me feel a lot better. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to be the woman in the picture. 

One thing I have been thinking about is the one-on-one time the chapter said to spend with an in law. I have been thinking since I read that that I should be instituting a “girls’ night” with all the girls. I do not know if I would be comfortable with one-on-one quite yet. I think my daughter in law might be uncomfortable too. She might wonder what is up my sleeve.

 

The other thing that struck a chord was the “Mom” and “Dad” subject. My husband is the oldest of 11 and I am the oldest of four. We have never called each other’s parents mom and dad. We have never felt comfortable with that. Some of his siblings do it and it seems weird. After 25 years of marriage, I do not think we are going to change. I truly cannot tell you what my daughter in law calls me. I remember they asked about “mom” and “dad” but I do not remember what conclusion we all came to. I suppose I do not mind but still think it is a little weird.

Family Councils and Women in the Church

I am so impressed by the Council method that the Church has used. It is a pattern that many families and even businesses could follow. I think my favorite part is picturing the Twelve Apostles munching on cookies while chatting. There are a few steps before we get to the cookies.

1. They set a specific time and place each week for their meeting. It is a sacred place that is free from interruptions.
2. They distribute an agenda before the meeting so that those that will attend will have time to ponder and pray about the items to be discussed.
3. They begin the meeting by expressing love and concern for one another. This is a great step for a family that may struggle with expressing love verbally.
4. They open with prayer.
5. Each item is brought up to discuss member by member.
6. Each item is discussed by each member.
7. The discussion continues until consensus is reached by the Spirit.
8. Future steps are taken according to the decision that was reached.
9. After the meeting is finished they have a snack together.

Family councils each week can follow this pattern also. It is a wonderful relationship building tool that helps families work together to get through this life. There is a book that teaches about the whole council concept. It is by M. Russell Ballard and is called “Counseling with Our Councils: Learning to Minister Together in the Church and in the Family”.

One area that some people have an issue is women in these councils. I really believe that women are important in the church and in the function of the church. Men and women are designed by God to work together and fill in the areas that each other lack. Some women get the concept of equality into their heads. They want to do everything that men do. I believe that women are not made to do what men do nor are men made to do what women do. We each have our own strengths and can complement each other. Women, remember your worth and do your best. 

Are you in the danger zone?

Satan is cunning and smart. He knows that we are not going to jump right into an affair but if he can lure us inch by inch he will be successful. Goddard taught about the stages of unfaithfulness in his chapter on Purity. 

1. The first stage is quite innocent. “We do good, helpful things: supporting a troubled neighbor, sharing gospel ideas with a ward member, working closely with another person on a ward activity, listening to the troubles of a co-worker.” He says the trouble begins when you feel responsible or close to a person that isn’t your spouse. 
2. The next stage is when one or both people declare that the relationship is “special”. Nothing immoral is going on but they make excuses to see each other or exchange gifts. A good tell-tale sign that a relationship is not proper is when the people involved worry about what could be said about them or what their spouses may think. 
3. What Goddard calls the final stage is when physical affections are exchanged no matter how minor. A squeeze. A kiss. Even though intercourse is avoided, the damage to the other relationships is not. He says, “Trust is destroyed. Covenants, with all of their glorious promises, are wasted.”

Repentance is necessary and available but it would be better to avoid this type of relationship in the first place. Goddard gives us 10 guidelines to follow to help us prevent trouble.

1. Do not allow the seeds of lust to germinate. No looking at another with lust or fantasizing about them. 
2. Never make excuses to spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse. 
3. Take responsibility for the messages that you give. No flirting.
4. Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone. No daydreams.
5. If you find yourself making excuses for continuing the relationship, you are addicted. Get help. 
6. Spend more enjoyable time with your spouse. Improve your relationship. Remember no marriage is perfect. 
7. Renew your spiritual efforts. Pray, read scriptures, give service and love your family. 
8. Don’t set yourself up for failure. Avoid the person. 
9. Keep your soul free of the soul-numbing barrenness of pornography. 
10. Celebrate the sweet gift of companionship. Renew your relationship with your spouse.

I hope you are not sitting there saying, “It will never happen to me.” I know too many people who never thought they would be found on the wrong side of the line. You are right when you say you will not have an affair tomorrow but you might find yourself in the first influences of Satan and months down the road you will not recognize yourself. I am thankful that I have been blessed to be strong in this area of marriage but I do not kid myself that it cannot happen to me. I have practiced several of Goddard’s guidelines to prevent it and intend to incorporate more of them. My marriage is worth it.