Signs of Potential Divorce

 

Finding what is right in a happy marriage is like studying the successful companies in the book "Good to Great" by Jim Collins. He studied companies to understand what made a company succeed rather than fail. John M. Gottman has done the same thing with marriages and teaches about it in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. He talks about how he can predict with great certainty if a marriage is going to succeed or fail.

There are some warning signs to watch for which is what he uses to predict divorce. Do you have some of these warning signs in your marriage?

1. The First Sign: Harsh Start-up--Do you just jump into a fight guns blazing? Criticism and sarcasm are red flags that you are starting your argument as a Harsh Start-up. The outcome of a conversation can be predicted based on the first three minutes.
2. The Second Sign: The Four Horsemen
   • Horseman #1: Criticism-There is a big difference between a criticism and a complaints. We all have complaints but we need to keep them from evolving into a criticism. Criticisms are along the lines of personal attacks whereas complaints are stating a problem and how you feel about it.
   • Horseman #2: Contempt-This is more damaging than criticism. It is superiority, disgust, or even belligerence toward your spouse. It is a higher level of personal attacks.
   • Horseman #3: Defensiveness-This Horseman can cause you to lash out at your spouse and become snide and mocking. It builds upon the other two Horsemen. It is hard to come to a peaceable solution if you have these three Horsemen present in your conversations/arguments.
   • Horseman #4: Stonewalling-Have you ever shut someone out and just quit listening to them? That is what stonewalling is like. When you’re hearing what someone is saying to you but not listening nor responding anymore. It is seen more often in older marriages.
3. The Third Sign: Flooding--When being Flooded a person turns to Stonewalling as a protection mechanism against the other signs. Flooding is “feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed”. You want to do anything to escape the Harsh Start-up and/or the Four Horsemen.
4. The Fourth Sign: Body Language--Gottman says that he doesn’t even have to listen to an argument to understand its impact. The husband in his example stonewalls his spouse. His physiological readings would tell the story of the physical effects he is trying to avoid. It is detrimental to the body.
5. The Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts--This is when one person tries to cut the tension and bring the conversation to a more positive level. 
6. The Sixth Sign: Bad Memories--Marriages get to a point where every memory becomes a bad memory because the couple focuses on the negative. 

These signs don't doom a marriage to failure. The important part is what is called a "Repair Attempt". A Repair Attempt is when one of the couple tries to steer the argument or discussion to a more positive note either with humor or with positive statements. If the couple recovers easily and if the repair attempts work well then the couple has a better chance of a good outcome.