Parenting in Gospel Context: Practices Do Make a Difference

Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God, and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. 

Parenting, Genes, and Peers

The family proclamation makes clear that Heavenly Father expect parents to have significant influence in the lives of their children. God's plan for His children may be ideally characterized as the placement of children into homes where parents are committed to their development and proclamation principles as practiced. No other arrangement is as effective, as demonstrated by the First Presidency's call to parents

to devote their best efforts to the teaching and rearing of their children in gospel principles which will keep them close to the Church. The home is the basis of a righteous life, and no other instrumentality can take its place or fulfill its essential functions in carrying forward the God-given responsibility. 

As further evidence of the inspired and timely nature of the family proclamation, at the time of its pronouncement a new controversy regarding parental influence was emerging. Specifically, social scientist debated the relative influence of parents with some defending substantial parental influence while others argued that parents in fact have little influence on child outcomes. Advocates of the latter position believe the primary determinants of child outcomes are in the child's DNA or peer group influence.

. . . [I]n the midst of confusion generated by differing theoretical perspectives, extant empirical evidence readily asserts that parental influence can significantly interact with genetic predispositions and other environmental influences to help shape behavior. Hence, parents should follow Brigham Young's counsel to "study their children's dispositions and temperaments, and deal with them accordingly."

Parenting Styles versus Practice

Parenting styles have been defined as "constellations of behaviors that describe parent-child interactions over a wide range of situations and that are presumed to create a pervasive interactional climate". Authoritative parents are presumed to create a positive interational climate based on an optimal balance of high warmth and high expectations, which environment in turn leads children and adolescents to be most receptive to parental influence. Elder Robert D. Hales has taught, "The key to strengthening our families is having the Spirit of the Lord come into our homes." In essence, authoritative parenting creates an interactional climate that not only promotes positive parent-child relationships but also invites the Spirit of the Lord.

Certain practices tend to come together in defining a parenting style, but there is room for some flexibility in the practices that determine the overall feel (or style) of parenting. Parents may also tailor their parenting to children of different temperaments or challenges and still be congruent in style with all their children.

Parents need not despair of they do not feel that they are the perfect balance of being both responsive and demanding in their parenting approach.

Psychological Control versus Behavioral Control

An important distinction has also been emphasized in parenting research in recent years: behavioral versus psychological control. Behavioral control is generally what is meant by the term "demandingness" in which parents monitor child behavior and hold children accountable when they misbehave. Appropriate behavioral control is necessary for positive child outcomes. The tone and level of behavioral control are important to positive child development. In contrast, psychological control is generally considered to be deleterious, regardless of its tone or level. Psychological control can be defined as

a rather insidious type of control that potentially inhibits or intrudes upon psychological development through manipulation and exploitation of the parent-child bond (e.g. love-withdrawal and guilt induction), negative affect-laden expressions and criticisms (e.g. disappointment and shame), and excessive personal control (e.g. possessiveness, protectiveness).

The more positive we are, the better our relationships will tend to be. President Hinckley taught this precept:

As children grow through the years, their lives, in large measure, become an extension and a refection of family teaching. If there is harshness, abuse, uncontrolled anger, disloyalty, the fruits will be certain and discernible, and in all likelihood they will be repeated in the generation that follows. If, on the other hand, there is forbearance, forgiveness, respect, consideration, kindness, mercy and compassion, the fruits again will be discernible, and they will be eternally rewarding. They will be positive and sweet and wonderful. . . . I speak to fathers and mothers everywhere with a plea to put harshness behind us, to bridle our anger, to lower our voices, and to deal with mercy and love and respect one toward another in our homes.  

Some Parting Words

Baumrind appropriately captured the complexity of parenting when she described pares as having "the complex task of adjusting their demands and disciplinary methods flexibly to the developing capacities of the child so as to encourage social responsibility without discouraging independence and individuality." Even the best parents sometimes have difficult children to raise due to no fault of their own. Parent who struggle with parenting at whatever level should be encouraged to constantly add potential tools to their "parenting toolbox" by turning to positive discipline books, the examples of family and friends, and gospel teachings. With time, parents can improve as they implement sound principles. Parents should also remember that their own development did not end with adolescence; individuals continue to develop through their parenting experiences.

The Latter-day Saint approach to teaching children, particularly through avenues such as family home evening and scripture study, is most essential to promoting understanding and internalization of important values that will guide behavior. Similarly, prayer encourages children's sense of accountability to their Heavenly Father for their lives and actions.

In short, the family that embraces multiple opportunities to teach will generally find that they need to discipline their children less often as their children internalize principles and gradually evidence greater ability for self-control. Parents should not be discouraged by the need to repeat themselves; the same principle is regularly practiced in our church meetings, as well as in our own parent-child relationship with Heavenly Father.


From the textbook, Successful Marriages and Families, Hawkins, Alan J., Dollahite, David C., & Draper, Thomas W., 2012.