Repentance and Forgiveness in Family Life

Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of . . . repentance [and] forgiveness. 

Interpersonal transgressions are common occurrences in all families. They range from misunderstandings and minor mistakes, such as forgetting to take out the garbage, to more substantive disagreements and grievous sins. In most families, where there are almost daily interpersonal transgressions, repentance and forgiveness need to be ongoing.

Repentance and Forgiveness: An Interactive Process

Although the process of repentance and forgiveness is interpersonal, successful outcomes are profoundly intrapersonal--experienced individually, apart from or in addition to any interpersonal interaction. The noted forgiveness researcher Worthington wrote, "Forgiveness does not occur in a relationship. It occurs within the forgiver."

Factors Associated with Forgiveness 

There are 3 factors that influence a victim's decision to forgive:

1. situational factors-like intention of harm, repetition of offense, severity of the consequences, cancellation or not of the consequences, presence of apologies, and/or compensation from the offender.
2. relational factors-like offender's identity and his or her proximity with the victim, his or her hierarchial status, his or her attitude after the offense, and environmental pressures.
3. personality factors-like the victim's personality

Why Repent and Forgive?
Mental health experts acknowledge that it is impossible to address emotional and physical well-being without considering the relevance of repentance and forgiveness. Likewise, the words of ancient and modern prophets affirm that repentance and forgiveness are central to the gospel plan.

Cautions in Conceptualizing Forgiveness
A number of myths surround the conceptualization of forgiveness. Some writers are uncomfortable with forgiveness because empowerment of the victim, not reconciliation between the abuse and victim, is usually the therapeutic goal for victims of family abuse. And there is a perception that Western culture unfairly targets women as the ones who are expected to forgive. In summarizing the work of several authors, Rye and Pargament noted that forgiveness should not be confused legal pardon, condoning, or forgetting. It is also distinct from reconciliation. These are not necessary for forgiveness and its attendant benefits for the victim to be obtained.

Repenting after Interpersonal Transgression
Repentance is a process of enhancing internal awareness and interpersonal accountability. Outwardly, the offender not only acknowledges wrongdoing but also make reparation Inwardly, repentance is achieved through humility and empathy, making it possible for the offenders to see themselves and those they wounded with a new perspective that is refreshing and motivating.

Several things have to be considered such has humility, empathy, guilt, apology and change. Apologies are essential for reconciliation although in the case of severe interpersonal transgressions, it takes more than apology to restore love and trustworthiness.

Steps to the repentance  process:

1. Recognize the sin. We admit to ourselves that we have done something wrong. 
2. Feel sorrow for the sin. Feeling sorrowful, we are humble and submissive before God, and we come to Him with a broken heart and contrite spirit. 
3. Forsake the sin. We stop committing the sin and pledge to never do it again. 
4. Confess. We should confess all our sins to the Lord. In addition, we must confess serious sins that might affect our standing in the Church to the proper ecclesiastical authority. 
5. Make restitution. Insofar as possible, we make right any wrong that we have done. 

Forgiving an Interpersonal Transgression

1. Releasing from Debt-Forgiveness has been compared to cancelling a debt. Metaphorically, if that debt were a financial loan that was not likely to be repaid, the victim (lender) would have to weigh the benefit of being free of the hassle and bad feelings against the benefit of having a vague hope of repayment in the future and being able to hold the debtor forever responsible for the victim's own financial needs. Forgiveness might come as an altruistic gift, or because the debtor somehow deserved the money but rather because the lender chose to be gracious. Alternatively, forgiveness might be granted simply as a way of freeing the lender from the entanglement of the relationship. 
2. How to Forgive?

• Recall the hurt
• Empathize
• Offer the altruistic gift of forgiveness
• Commit publicly to forgive
• Hold on to forgiveness

One-Way Forgiveness

1. Recognize the offense
2. Sorrow for the offense
3. Disclose
4. Avoid the offending behavior
5. Make restitution

From the textbook, Successful Marriages and Families, Hawkins, Alan J., Dollahite, David C., & Draper, Thomas W., 2012.