Change Yourself

When looking at your marriage who do you think has the most problems? Most people would say their spouse. This week in both of their books Gottman and Goddard each speak about evaluating ourselves and changing ourselves which in turn help up to look at our spouses with a more Christlike view. Our attitude in dealing with our spouse makes a difference. In the Seek to Understand activity, I was able to look at disagreements from my husband's perspective. What did he really want? What did he see as the problem? Sometimes I was in the wrong and needed to acknowledge that. Are you willing to acknowledge when you're the problem?

Goddard explained it using potato salad. He said if you take potato salad that has been left out in the heat and sun for a week and put a pretty garnish of egg slices and parsley on top it is still rotten. If we are putting on a show and not being genuine, we can’t improve our marriages. He said, “A soul is like potato salad. When our souls are permeated with accusation and demands, there is no skill that can cover our malice and meanness.”

Our hope to save our marriage is to turn to Christ. Turn ourselves over to Him and Heavenly Father. They love us and They love our spouse. When we learn to love ourselves as they would, we are better able to love our spouse.

Gottman talked about Six Magic Hours. It adds up the following ways:

Partings: Say goodbye in the morning and find out one thing each partner is doing that day.

Time: 2 mins x 5 days a week.

Total: 10 mins

Reunions: Hug and kiss that lasts at least 6 seconds and stress reducing conversation for 20 minutes.

Time: 20 minutes a day x 5 days a week

Total: 1 hour 40 minutes

Admiration and appreciation: Express genuine affection and appreciation

Time: 5 minutes a day x 5 days

Total: 35 minutes

Affection: Show physical affection. Always embrace before going to sleep.

Time: 5 minutes a day x 5 days

Total: 35 minutes

Weekly Date: One on one time to reconnect and update your love maps. 

Time: 2 hours once a week

Total: 2 hours

State of the Union Meeting: Take one hour to discuss your relationship this week. Take time to discuss what went right and gently discuss improvements. End by asking each other "What can I do this week to help you feel loved?"

Time: 1 hour a week

Grand Total: Six hours!

When is the last time?....

This video is wonderful counsel that can be applied to marriages. I come from a different angle this week. Our huge extended family had to bury a sweet beautiful little 2 year old on Saturday. She was found face down and unconscious in the family pool last Monday night. She sneaked back out after the family came in from swimming. It just as easily been my husband involved in a car accident or my son or my father in law in a work accident, my three girls and me in a plane crash on our way home from visiting my sister for an 11 day vacation. We were on a flight as Susie passed away. I just read of a 92-year-old family member of family on my mom’s side who died in his own home when an impaired driver crashed through his garage and it caught on fire. We really do not know which time will be the last time we see our family members. One of the things my kids said was they wondered what the last thing each of the brothers and sisters said to Susie. I immediately though of the huge amount of contention in our home. It scares me. Have you forgiven your spouse or are these some of the last words you've spoken to them as they've walked out the door?

In chapters 8 and 9 of John M. Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” he teaches about solvable problems and perpetual problems and working on them. Most every marriage is going to have problems. Gottman says it is not the number of problems we have but how we handle them that can determine the success of the marriage. If we can recognize a perpetual problem and learn coping skills to ease the irritation and discomfort the marriage will be okay.

Another thing that stood out to me this week is an experiment suggested by H. William Goddard. In chapter 6 of his book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage”, Goddard talks about Consecration. The Law of Consecration is the willingness to turn over everything we have to Heavenly Father for the building of His kingdom. We have to be willing to give all of ourselves to our marriage. His experiment at the end of the chapter is for 30 days be willing to show nothing but kindness and appreciation to your partner. Set aside complaints and disappointments and see the good intentions and best efforts of your partner. 

How would you do?? Would you feel better about the last few days you had with your significant other? Comment with your thoughts. 

Is pride lurking in your marriage?

I was reading a talk by President Ezra Taft Benson about pride titled "Beware of Pride" published in the May 1989 issue of the Ensign this week. President Benson taught some great concepts about pride. We can apply these concepts to marriages. He said:

Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.

Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of “my will and not thine be done.”

In the context of marriage, how many times do we want our own way? Are you guilty of demanding that things are done your way? President Benson goes on to say:

Our enmity toward God takes on many labels, such as rebellion, hard-heartedness, stiff-neckedness, unrepentant, puffed up, easily offended, and sign seekers. The proud wish God would agree with them. They aren’t interested in changing their opinions to agree with God’s.

Another major portion of this very prevalent sin of pride is enmity toward our fellowmen. We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them.

Do some of these traits describe some of your relationship with your spouse? Do some of these describe your spouse? Re-read it now and see if you can see yourself in it.

Now that you see some pride in yourself, do not lose hope. President Benson gave some ideas to help us learn to give up our pride and become more humble.

God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble. Alma said, “Blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble.” (Alma 32:16.)

Let us choose to be humble.

We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are. (See D&C 38:24; D&C 81:5; D&C 84:106.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by receiving counsel and chastisement. (See Jacob 4:10; Hel. 15:3; D&C 63:55; D&C 101:4–5; D&C 108:1; D&C 124:61, 84; D&C 136:31; Prov. 9:8.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by forgiving those who have offended us. (See 3 Ne. 13:11, 14; D&C 64:10.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by rendering selfless service. (See Mosiah 2:16–17.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by going on missions and preaching the word that can humble others. (See Alma 4:19; Alma 31:5; Alma 48:20.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by getting to the temple more frequently.

We can choose to humble ourselves by confessing and forsaking our sins and being born of God. (See D&C 58:43; Mosiah 27:25–26; Alma 5:7–14, 49.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by loving God, submitting our will to His, and putting Him first in our lives. (See 3 Ne. 11:11; 3 Ne. 13:33; Moro. 10:32.)

Let us choose to be humble. We can do it. I know we can.

What a great boost for us! He has faith in us. I challenge you to pick one of his ideas and see if you can apply it to your marriage to make some improvements. Come back, comment, and let me know what changes were made. I would love to hear your success stories.

Turning Toward One Another

Our own reactions to spoken words or situations can make a big difference in our marriages. Do you hear a plea for help or a criticism when your spouse says, "You can't ever fold the laundry, can you?" Maybe your spouse just wants help folding the laundry but does not want to ask or does not know how to ask nicely since they are frustrated. Gottman teaches us to "Turn Toward One Another" in the book I've been talking about.

In Goddard's book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", he describes becoming more Christlike: 

As we turn from the ways of the natural man to the ways of Christ, we will respond to our challenges differently. Instead of judging our partner, we will invite Christ to soften our hearts and fill us with goodness. No challenges or differences in marriage can thwart the work of god-given charity.

We are here on earth to control the natural man. In the situation above, we can choose to get angry or to realize that the statement was really asking for something that was needed. 

When we recognize the need and respond accordingly, we are "turning toward" each other. Other ways to turn toward each other is doing little things together. Some examples that Gottman gives are clean house, do laundry, exercise together, talk or read together by an open fire, listen to music, or even pay bills. There are many suggestions he gives so that you can choose ones that will work for your own marriage. 

I know when my husband and I go out of town or spend the day running errands together we get along better and actually feel closer. I feel a rush of love when even at home in the hustle and bustle of life, he helps cook dinner, gets me lunch, or puts away some clothes. He did not do these things before so I am able to recognize he is trying to make me happy. 

I have found myself listening to what he is really intending instead of jumping to conclusions and getting angry. Learning to do this has helped me feel closer because I am not as often frustrated.