When looking at your marriage who do you think has the most
problems? Most people would say their spouse. This week in both of their books Gottman and Goddard each speak about evaluating ourselves and changing ourselves which in turn help
up to look at our spouses with a more Christlike view. Our attitude in dealing with
our spouse makes a difference. In the Seek to Understand activity, I was able to look at disagreements from my husband's perspective. What did he really want? What did he see as the problem? Sometimes I was in the wrong and needed to acknowledge that. Are you willing to acknowledge when you're the problem?
Goddard explained it using potato salad. He said if you take
potato salad that has been left out in the heat and sun for a week and put a
pretty garnish of egg slices and parsley on top it is still rotten. If we are putting
on a show and not being genuine, we can’t improve our marriages. He said, “A
soul is like potato salad. When our souls are permeated with accusation and
demands, there is no skill that can cover our malice and meanness.”
Our hope to save our marriage is to turn to Christ. Turn
ourselves over to Him and Heavenly Father. They love us and They love our
spouse. When we learn to love ourselves as they would, we are better able to
love our spouse.
Gottman talked about Six Magic Hours. It adds up the
following ways:
Partings: Say goodbye in the morning and find out one thing
each partner is doing that day.
Time: 2 mins x 5 days a week.
Total: 10 mins
Reunions: Hug and kiss that lasts at least 6 seconds and
stress reducing conversation for 20 minutes.
Time: 20 minutes a day x 5 days a week
Total: 1 hour 40 minutes
Admiration and appreciation: Express genuine affection and
appreciation
Time: 5 minutes a day x 5 days
Total: 35 minutes
Affection: Show physical affection. Always embrace before
going to sleep.
Time: 5 minutes a day x 5 days
Total: 35 minutes
Weekly Date: One on one time to reconnect and update your love maps.
Time: 2 hours once a week
Total: 2 hours
State of the Union Meeting: Take one hour to discuss your relationship this week. Take time to discuss what went right and gently discuss improvements. End by asking each other "What can I do this week to help you feel loved?"
Time: 1 hour a week
Grand Total: Six hours!
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