Turning Toward One Another

Our own reactions to spoken words or situations can make a big difference in our marriages. Do you hear a plea for help or a criticism when your spouse says, "You can't ever fold the laundry, can you?" Maybe your spouse just wants help folding the laundry but does not want to ask or does not know how to ask nicely since they are frustrated. Gottman teaches us to "Turn Toward One Another" in the book I've been talking about.

In Goddard's book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", he describes becoming more Christlike: 

As we turn from the ways of the natural man to the ways of Christ, we will respond to our challenges differently. Instead of judging our partner, we will invite Christ to soften our hearts and fill us with goodness. No challenges or differences in marriage can thwart the work of god-given charity.

We are here on earth to control the natural man. In the situation above, we can choose to get angry or to realize that the statement was really asking for something that was needed. 

When we recognize the need and respond accordingly, we are "turning toward" each other. Other ways to turn toward each other is doing little things together. Some examples that Gottman gives are clean house, do laundry, exercise together, talk or read together by an open fire, listen to music, or even pay bills. There are many suggestions he gives so that you can choose ones that will work for your own marriage. 

I know when my husband and I go out of town or spend the day running errands together we get along better and actually feel closer. I feel a rush of love when even at home in the hustle and bustle of life, he helps cook dinner, gets me lunch, or puts away some clothes. He did not do these things before so I am able to recognize he is trying to make me happy. 

I have found myself listening to what he is really intending instead of jumping to conclusions and getting angry. Learning to do this has helped me feel closer because I am not as often frustrated.