Honoring Marital Vows with Complete Fidelity

We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman lawfully wedded as husband and wife. 

The Prevalence of Marital Infidelity

Based on the best sources, the numbers of unfaithful spouses are much lower than the media portrays. According to research from the National Marriage Project, 21 percent of married men and 14 percent of married women in 2000 report ever being unfaithful to their spouse. Although these numbers represent far too many traumatized families, this research also indicates that this number has not increased over the past 20 years. T. W. Smith reports, "The best estimates are that about 3-4 percent of currently married people have a sexual partner besides their spouse in a given year. Another encouraging statistic is that during the past three decades, the percent of U.S. adults reporting that marital infidelity is "always wrong" has steadily increased from 63 percent of men and 73 percent of women in 1970 to 78 percent of men and 84 of women in 2000.

Types of Infidelity

Fantasy-characterized by having an emotional affair with someone who has no knowledge about what is taking place, or with someone who is anonymous, or will likely never be encountered in person or all three. This type of infidelity involves fantasizing romantically about someone other than a spouse. This can consist of imagining life with someone else or go as far as communicating through chat rooms, emails, or social networking site, Harold B. Lee taught that a:

thought is the father of an act. No man ever committed murder who did not first become angry. No one ever committed adultery without a preceding immoral thought. The thief did not steal except he first coveted that which was his neighbor's.

It is important to remember, "For as [a man] thinketh in his heart, so is he" Proverbs 23:7

Visual/Pornography-the most common type of unfaithfulness. This includes the physical aspect of self-stimulation while viewing pornography. President Kimball said,

There are those married people who permit their eyes to wander and their hearts to become vagrant, who think it is not improper to flirt a little, to share their hearts, and have desire for someone other than the wife or the husband. . . . Many acknowledge the vice of  physical adultery, but still rationalize that anything short of that heinous sin may not be condemned too harshly; however, the Lord has said many times: "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old times, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matthew 5:27-28). 

Romantic-when an individual becomes emotionally involved with a specific person other than his or her spouse. Elder Bruce C. Hafen and his wife suggest that Satan wants us to believe that every marriage should be like a Shakespearean love story, never asking us to imagine Romeo and Juliet dealing with household clutter, unpaid bills, and crying children. Initially infidelity can seem spontaneous, romantic, and thrilling. Over time, the exciting romantic target "ceases to be a stranger and routine becomes the enemy of spontaneity"

Sexual-when a person engages in sexual acts outside the bonds of marriage with or without emotional attachment. What begins as a fantasy or romantic affair can lead to physical infidelity. Veon Smith warned, "Infidelity is a subtle process. It does not begin with adultery; it begins with thoughts and attitudes. Each step to adultery is short, and each is easily taken; but once the process starts, it is difficult to stop."

Consequences of Infidelity

There are several consequences of infidelity. Spiritual impacts, traumatic impacts on the spouse who was cheated on, children of these couples are confused and disillusioned and may experience despair.

Preventing Marital Infidelity

Infidelity is easier to prevent than to remedy. In addition to working to strengthening our marriages, we can prevent affairs by being on guard and being fiercely loyal. Fiercely loyal can include being aware of Satan's "modern" subtlety, controlling our thoughts, and putting our spouse first.

Wise Walls for Preventing Infidelity

• Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours their heart out to you. 
• Don’t share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative. This develops deep levels of intimacy. 
• If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about your own marriage. 
• Discuss marital issues with your spouse. Work on the problems at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure they are a friend of the marriage. 
• Don’t have lunch or take work breaks with same person all the time. 
• When you travel with a co-worker, meet in the public rooms. 
• If an old boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you bring your spouse along. 
• Don’t have lunch alone with an old flame. 
• Don’t flirt with anyone other than your spouse. 
• Don't travel together with someone of the opposite sex when going to meeting for work, church, or in other circumstances.

Repairing Marriage after Infidelity

Steps to repair a marriage can be  hard but about 70 percent of couples stay together and attempt to work it out. 

Step 1-Rebuild Trust 

• Becoming accountable
• Establishing boundaries
• Rebuilding the trust bank account

Step 2-Gain Perspective

• Figure out how the infidelity came about
• Regain a "big picture" view of each other and their relationship
• Realize that one person is not responsible for the sins of another
• Refrain from making big decisions about the marriage right after an affair has occurred

Step 3-Repentance and Forgiveness

• Confession
• Forsaking sin
• Finding forgiveness
• Forgiving an unfaithful spouse

Step 4-Overcoming Addiction

• Addiction does not make a person bad
• Requires great change to take place
• Counseling by a professional trained in helping addicted people may be needed

Step 5-Making the Choice to Stay Together

• Healing the past
• Strengthening the present
• Enriching the future

The Proclamation to the World provides concise counsel to protect us from the spiritual and relational consequences of infidelity. There is safely and peace in following these commands. The children of the world are blessed and protected when they are "reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.

From the textbook, Successful Marriages and Families, Hawkins, Alan J., Dollahite, David C., & Draper, Thomas W., 2012.

Martial Sexuality and Fertility

We declare that God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife. We declare the means by wish mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. 


LDS and Other Religions' Doctrines on the Purposes of Marital Sexuality

There are several reasons for marital sexuality.

Becoming one-this is a doctrinal foundation of Christian belief. Rabbi Shuley Boteach identified physical intimacy of a husband and wife as something that symbolizes the tie between God and all of His creations. Jeffrey R. Holland describes it as a "welding".  H. B. Yusuf, speaking on the unity in marital intimacy, stated that in Islam "the union of the man and his wife is traced to a common origin of equality because both are created from a single soul." Marital sexuality is designed to "build tranquil unity between spouses." Gardner, a Christian author, summed up this purpose when he stated:

Godly sex is so much more . . . than merely a physical act; it has a spiritual component . . .[A] deeper connection [within sexual relations] goes far beyond simply understanding how to overcome sexual dysfunction. . . . It goes way beyond technique and physique. This deeper dimension is experienced when we move past pleasure as a goal and instead seek intimate connection--not just with our bodies but also with our souls.

Connection with God-LDS writers and other Christians describe marital intimacy as a sacrament. Gardner also said that sex in marriage is like "an act of worship, a sacrament of marriage that invites and welcomes the very presence of God." Elder Holland describes this purpose of marital sexuality:

Sexual intimacy is . . . symbolic of a union between mortals and deity, between otherwise ordinary and fallible humans uniting for a rare and special moment with God himself and all the powers by which he gives life in this wide universe of ours. . . . Indeed, if our definition of sacrament is that act of claiming, sharing, and exercising God's own inestimable power, then I know of virtually no other divine privilege so routinely given to us all--women or men, ordained or unordained, Latter-day Saint or non-Latter-Day Saint -- than the miraculous and majestic power of transmitting life, the unspeakable, unfathomable, unbroken power of procreation. 

Strengthening Bonds-President Spencer W. Kimball said "There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join. . . in an expression of love." Husbands and wives can learn to share a view that marital sexual expression is designed to protect and strengthen emotional bonds, which in turn will influence marital sexuality and satisfaction."  From an Islamic point of view, the purpose of sexual intimacy is for the mutual pleasure and bonding of a wife to her husband.

Procreation-Adam and Eve were told to "multiply and replenish the earth." According to the Proclamation to the World this directive is still in force. For the continuation of generations, the marital act of procreation is the foundation of the bridge between  ancestors and progenitors. For those married couples unable to have children, the promise of increase as part of the Abrahamic covenant is an eternal promise, and of course, for those who choose to adopt, the sealing power will achieve this same purpose as though the adoptive parents had borne the child biologically.



Attitudes and Beliefs that Help Promote Positive Marital Sexuality

1. Sexual interaction is a healthy component of marriage that need not be a source of negative feelings or guilt.
2. Married persons deserve to feel good about their bodies and to view sexual expression as a normal, healthy part of their marriage. 
3. A primary component of marital sexuality is giving and receiving pleasure-oriented touching in the context of an intimate, committed, and divinely supported relationship. As such, it requires relaxation and focus on the other person as well as on one's own pleasure. 
4. Sexuality should be expressed in a way that enhances your intimate, marital relationship and bonds you together. 
5. Couples should strive to create a "we" relationship, where both partners' sharing and pleasure is important as opposed to one person individually focused on what she or he will get out of the experience. 

The Decision to Bear and Rear Children

President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "If you are married, you and your spouse should discuss your sacred responsibility to bring children into the world and nurture them in righteousness." For those married couples who are physically able, it is a spiritual obligation as well as a joy with subsequent blessings to bear and rear children. 

Principles that help guide couples in this decision:

• Study the matter carefully-consider the sanctity and meaning of life and the joy that children bring to the home, ponder the plan of salvation, weigh the consequences of their choices.
• Counsel together-neither husband nor wife should seek to coerce the other, respectfully and patiently listen, try to understand the principles that underlie differing points of view.
• Seek the inspiration of the Lord-seek His help as they study the doctrines and the plan of salvation and consider their circumstances, seek His help in counseling together and arriving at a decision.

Couples of childbearing years will be faced numerous times with the question of how many children to have and when or if to add another member to their family. 

From the textbook, Successful Marriages and Families, Hawkins, Alan J., Dollahite, David C., & Draper, Thomas W., 2012.

Equal Partnership between Men and Women in Families

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. 


What is Meant by the Term Equality?

The Proclamation says, "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual pre-mortal, mortal and eternal identity and purpose." Think of all we believe to be true about the equality, both here and in Zion, of men and women in God's kingdom: equal in blessings; equal in power, intelligence, wisdom, dignity, respect, giving counsel, giving consent, agency, value, potential, authority, exalted fullness, virtue, spirituality, and spiritual gifts; equal in temporal things in Zion; and equal heirs with Christ. When we read this list, do we unconsciously redefine "equality" as "identity" and thus struggle with these concepts? If so, it is time to work on a personal definition of equal that eschews both intimations of identity or hierarchy. One gender does not have greater eternal possibility than the other.

Elder Earl C Tingey said:

You must not misunderstand what the Lord meant when Adam was told he was to have a helpmeet. A helpmeet is a companion suited to or equal to us. We walk side by side with a helpmeet, not one before or behind the other. A helpmeet results in an absolute equal partnership between a husband and a wife. Eve was to be equal to Adam as a husband and wife are to be equal to each other.

Equality and Love in Latter-day Saint Doctrine

There are relationships in which people come together not as superiors and inferiors with the hope that the inferiors might be made equal; there are relationships in which people are to come together as presumed equals. Spouses are to enter their marriage relationship convinced of each other's equality. They cannot form a relationship that will be blessed by God if they come to the marriage alter unsure of each other's equality, doubting it, or not even thinking about how it should order their relations.

Stewards in Equal Partnership

Family stewardships should be understood in terms of their responsibilities--obligations to one's spouse, not power over one's spouse. President Howard W. Hunter said, "The Lord intended that the wife be...a companion equal and necessary in full partnership...For a man to operate independent of or without regard to the feelings and counsel of his wife in governing the family is to exercise unrighteous dominion." A marriage reflecting the equality of the spouses is the ultimate traditional marriage.

Assessing Equal Partnership

As we recognize the importance of equality in marital relationships, it is useful to be able to assess the balance of power in relationships. When assessing equality in a marital relationship, scholars have differentiated between power processes and power outcomes. Power processes are the patterns of interaction among couples. Power outcomes refer to which spouse typically makes the final decision when there are differing opinions between the spouses. Use this assessment to evaluate where you are on the scale:


Power Processes Scale

1. My partner tends to discount my opinion. 
2. My partner does not listen to me. 
3. When I want to talk about a problem in our relationship, my partner often refuses to talk with me about it. 
4. My partner tends to dominate our conversations. 
5. When we do not agree on an issue, my partner tends to give me the cold shoulder. 
6. I do not feel free to express my opinion about issues in our relationship. 
7. My partner makes decisions that affect our family without talking to me first. 
8. My partner and I do not talk about our problems until we both agree on a solution. 
9. I feel like my partner tries to control me. 

Power Outcomes Scale

1. When it comes to money, my partner’s opinion usually wins out.
2. When it comes to children, my partner’s opinion usually wins out.
3. It often seems my partner can get away with things in our relationship that I can never get away with. 
4. I have no choice but to do what my partner wants. 
5. My partner has more influence in our relationship than I do.
6. When disagreements arise in our relationship, my partner’s opinion usually wins out.

Miller, R.B., Day, R., & Bogue, A. (2008, October). The development of a measure of couples relationship power. Poster presented at the annual conference of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, Memphis, TN.

From the textbook, Successful Marriages and Families, Hawkins, Alan J., Dollahite, David C., & Draper, Thomas W., 2012.

Foundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage

Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other. 


President Kimball said, "While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person."

What is a Foundational Process? Foundational processes are actions couples take in relation to each other to help their marriage flourish.

Process #1: Personal Commitment to the Marriage Covenant
     Intentional personal dedication
     Exclusive cleaving and unity
     Practice spiritual patterns


Process #2: Love and Friendship
     Get in sync with your partner's love preferences
     Talk as friends
     Respond to bids for connection
     Set goals for couple interaction


Process #3: Positive Interaction
        Positive emotions toward one's spouse are vital to a healthy marriage. Negative emotions, if they occur frequently and allowed to deepen, can threaten a marriage. Couples doing well have 5 positive interactions during conflict to 1 negative. To enhance positive interaction in marriage, focus on your spouse's positive qualities and make and share lists of the things you admire and appreciate about each other. These can be personality traits, talents, something you especially like about him or her, a feature of your relationship that you like, or something positive your spouse has done.
        Take this list choose two or three qualities and rehearse them in your mind. Put them on an index card and place them where you'll see them often. Look at them daily. Rotate through the qualities. This way couples can override the temptation to be negative toward one another. Couples who nurture their fondness and admiration for one another in this way are better able to accept each other's flaws and weaknesses and prevent them from threatening their relationship.


Process #4: Accepting Influence from One's Spouse
       Share influence in all family affairs
       Ways to accept influence


Process #5: Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems
       Prevention
       Eliminate destructive interaction patterns
       Calm yourself first
       Bring up the concern softly, gently, and privately 
       Learn to make and receive repair attempts
       Soothe yourself and each other
       Reach a consensus about a solution


Process #6: Continuing Courtship through the Years
       Attend to the little things
       Be intentional about doing things every day to enrich the marriage
       Spend at least 5 hours a week strengthening your relationship. 


Elder F. Burton Howard: "If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by. Eternal marriage is just like that. We need to treat it just that way."


*Remember this information is not my own. I got it from Successful Marriages and Families edited by Hawkins, Dollahite and Draper.

Home Page of the Family Proclamation Project

These are chapters out of Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. Click each one to learn more. Please leave comments and feedback. I'd really appreciate it. 



Foundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage
Equal Partnership between Men and Women in Families
Marital Sexuality and Fertility
Marital Vows and Fidelity

Modern Fertility Patterns and God's Command to Multiply and Replenish the Earth
Parenting with Love, Limits, and Latitude
Parenting in Gospel Context: Practices Do Make a Difference
They Cannot Be Lost: Temple Covenants Save Families

Faith in Family Life
Sanctification and Cooperation
Repentance and Forgiveness in Family Life
The Meanings and Blessings of Family Work



This information is mainly taken from Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives Edited by Alan J. Hawkins, David C. Dollahite, and Thomas W. Draper unless otherwise noted.

Family Proclamation Project-What I Wish I Knew

This is a project for my class at Brigham Young University-Idaho called The Family. I hope to outline some helpful guidelines to help new couples (both about to get married and newlyweds) plan their marriages and their families. I want to help guide them to make some successful goals. Sometimes I wish I had known this information from the beginning of our marriage. 

Beautiful photo taken and edited by my dearly departed friend of the Idaho Falls Temple where I got married.
I miss you, Kathy! You were my best blog supporter!

Click here to start.