Week 13-Last Lecture

What would be your last lecture to someone wanting to begin the entrepreneur journey? What words of advice, direction, or caution would you give him or her if you had only one chance to give your own last lecture?




My words of advice to someone wanting to begin the entrepreneur journey are be prepared to work hard. Be prepared to work every day. Be prepared to put some tears into it. Be prepared to get enormous joy out of making people's lives better. 

Entrepreneurship is hard but very rewarding. The lessons taught in E-Myth make a lot of sense to me. I would encourage anyone wanting to be an entrepreneur to read that book. It may help a person avoid the burnout that could come with starting a business. A few words of caution: Don't try to do everything yourself. Bring on help but stay active in your business. Don't trust it to other people but also don't try to keep it to yourself. 

I think one thing that stops me is the fear that I might fail but there is also the fear that I might succeed. Sometimes success is harder than failure. It is easy to fail and humans have much more practice at failing. Success is less common and some people don't know how to manage the responsibilities that come with success. I sometimes wonder how I would know how to make the decisions that success would bring. I know how to scrimp, save and go without. I've never had insurance since I left my parents' home. I have never had a car newer than 7 years old. I'm not sure I know how to make the decisions necessary pertaining to those types of things. 

Don't let my hangups be your hangups. Put your heart into your dreams. Go for it!

Week 12-Small Business Creation

I think this will be my last week making a blog post for this class. I have enjoyed most of class but making my products for my business was very stressful. I just have been so busy I just couldn't find the time or the energy. My business did okay. I will have the $100 to donate to Kiva.org. I'll have to go find a new person next week.

I finished the presentation but as I tried to comment on the other's presentations it was really hard to critique their business based on their videos. That was kind of hard. They all seemed to have good ideas.

The acton hero was kind of a bust this week.

Working in your business is much different than working on your business. Working ON your business can make the difference between success and failure. Planning is an important part of an ongoing successful business.

I won't lie. I'm really glad class is going to be over for a couple of weeks. I'm worried next semester will be the same way.

Week 11-Small Business Creation

Well this has been a much better week even though I've been at the Christmas tree lot every day. (Check us out on Facebook: Kunzler's Christmas Trees) I'm so tired when I get home I just don't want to do anything but relax. I managed to still get all my homework done on "Saturday". I know it's really Sunday morning but I'd rather finish it tonight than get up early Monday morning.

There were so many assignments this week. It was overwhelming to list them in my calendar. The one to choose a business was kind of fun but daunting to see how much money has to be raised to do something like that. To go from bill to bill hoping to be able to pay them to having money to buy a business seems like a huge leap.

Erick Slaubaugh was an interesting character. I stalked him on Facebook and he seems successful. I was impressed by him buying a little equity in the company at a time. I don't know if that was all that was available to buy or if he was doing it that way to stay out of debt.

The dry cleaning industry has hidden several quirks from me. I had no idea they were dealing with a toxic waste when they got done. It seems expensive to me to go to the dry cleaners and I couldn't understand why our dry cleaner looks ummmmm less professional than I though he should. This article kind of answered that question.

$100 Challenge Update
Well...progress! I have everything sewn that I have supplies for. I ran out of yarn on the last towel I had to do.

That's it! That's all I had left other than a little yarn to sew on the buttons. This turned into a good thing because while I was searching for a scrap of this yarn I found some hot pad sets I had crocheted and added them to the mix and sold one set today. 

I still have some dollars left to earn but I hope to be able to do that on Monday. I'm soooo close to my $100. 

Week 10-Small Business Creation

This week has been horrible (what else is new). I just finished this week's last assignment and turned it in 24 minutes late. I was selfish and didn't do any homework except crocheting my challenge towels on Thanksgiving. On Friday I thought I would have plenty of time to work on homework but I was getting stuff ready for our tree lot. Saturday was another day of Christmas tree lot and I was stuck with no internet for most of the day. I wasn't planning on that. I worked on homework from 1am-4am this morning. Now I need to finish this assignment and get it in.

I enjoyed the interview I did with Paula Weeks at Anytime Fitness. She had a great story to tell just like my other interviewee did. I was so glad when I walked in there and it was a female to interview. Unless it's Curves, most gyms have a male owner. I was still nervous and out of place but she helped me feel comfortable.

The franchising assignment we had to do this week seems like it would be much more useful before last week's assignment of choosing a franchise. It would have helped me make a more educated choice.

The information about Steve Jobs was great. I had not really known much about him before this. I had heard his name and that he was dying of cancer. It makes you think about life in that those who have money seem to "have it all" but they can't buy time or health.

$100 Challenge Update
I have 10.8 towels made out of the 12 I bought supplies for. I made and sold a potato bag and a Bag Bag to one sister in law and another sister in law bought two towels and gave me a donation. With what is committed, I should be close to $100 in sales but I have to earn what I spent on supplies. I was surprised at how quickly the Potato Bag went together when I was sewing it. One good morning would get everything finished. The Christmas tree lot might get in the way though.

Potato Bag Instructions

Microwave Baked Potato Bag

This unique bag creates fluffy baked potatoes in your microwave.

Instructions: Wash potatoes. Do not prick. Wrap one to three potatoes in wet paper towel(s) and place them in the bag. Microwave approximately 4 to 9 minutes. You'll have to adjust the timing according to your microwave and potato size. 

Safe to wash in a washer and dryer. Try other foods: corn, tortillas, sweet potatoes, rolls.

Week 9-Small Business Creation

This has been a whirlwind week. I tried to get as many assignments done before Tuesday as I could but this class was too heavily weighted on Saturday (Monday). I have everything done except the write up for the interview. I'll get that done before Monday morning deadline but I'm too tired tonight to do a good job. I have to decide if I feel okay about doing it on Sunday since it's only one assignment for the week. I got everything else done even though I was gone Tuesday and Wednesday with my husband, substituted at the middle school on Thursday and was gone again Friday and Saturday. I'm actually 3 and a half hours from home right now.

Catherine Rohr was an interesting lady. She made me ponder my attitudes toward people. As I was leaving town yesterday, I was fueling my car and a man was all of a sudden by me. He told me he was begging for food or for gas. My first instinct was to tell him no because of all the scammers around that beg. He walked off but then I thought about a chocolate milk I had just bought for myself. I could have given him that since I hadn't opened it. I couldn't see where he went and have felt guilty all weekend because I didn't help him because of my attitude towards the scammers doing the same thing he was doing.

I loved the story of Burt's Bees. That is so expensive and I haven't bought any of it. We have had a couple hives of bees (both died out over the winters) which made me more interested in her story. She took a pile of discarded beeswax and became a millionaire. Amazing!

$100 Challenge update
I haven't gotten to sew anything although I had good intentions of sewing while I'm visiting my son and daughter-in-law but as usual the other assignments took priority. I came to Utah to go to Time Out for Women with her. It was a present for my birthday, Mother's Day and probably Christmas. While we were enjoying the presentations I was able to crochet the tops on two towels. Four down 12 to go on the first round of supplies. I will have to devote some time next week to sewing. I keep saying that and the days and weeks just keep ticking by.

Week 8-Small Business Creation

This week has been full. I had about half of E-Myth left to read. I've been trying to catch up in addition to getting ahead for next week. It has been several weeks since I've could get everything done for Saturday. I can't turn in my book report because I was 5 minutes after Planned Maintenance started. I always remember during the day but starting about 8pm I forget it's coming. 

I was able to do my Franchisee interview today. I have never been more at ease with someone. In the past, I have interviewed two friends and was more nervous than today. The work that we've done in the last couple of weeks came up during the interview. She said that she wasn't in it for the money above a living. This reminded me of Matt Stewart when he said that when he concentrated on making money his businesses didn't do as well. We also talked about the kinds of people she liked to hire. 

$100 Challenge Update

I got a few rows crocheted on a towel. I am getting very worried about this. Time is slipping away. I just can't seem to get a block of time (or any time) to get these items made. The two unscheduled days I had to sub really hurt me this week but it is another commitment I have taken on because it's the special education classroom. It is hard to get a good sub for them. I know the kids and it is almost like not having a sub at all. Cross your fingers for me this week. 

Week 7-Small Business Creation

I guess I was an emotional wreck last week in all of my classes especially Friday and Saturday. I had such good plans to get ahead for the vacation days (which thankfully got postponed). Those plans didn't come to fruition. I had my new grandchildren over on Saturday. The baby cried quite a bit but the worst problem was my own kids fighting over the grands and not doing what I asked them. I had had it by the end of Saturday. I purposely didn't do this Saturday night because I didn't want to completely blast everyone and everything. This coming week will be filled with two weeks in one because I will be gone most of the next week. I feel the stress creeping in.

It was quite frustrating to start the week finding out that I didn't have to read everything that is posted for us. It's refreshing to know now though. I did watch/listen to the video of Bob Sutton. It was good but had some language in it that I didn't care for. He made some excellent points though. Bosses that treat their employees like crap aren't good for morale.

The Leadership Style Survey was another frustrating assignment. Some of the assignments through my classes over these two years make me feel dumb as a stay at home mom. We are told to think about our family as our business but some of those questions were completely not applicable. It is probably eye opening for those in the workforce.

I have to find someone to interview this week. I don't know who to even interview. I don't really want to run a Taco Bell but I think that or Denny's owners are who I'm going to choose from.

My $100 Challenge project is in the exact same spot as it was last week. It is so frustrating. It's my own fault. I had hoped to get $300 to donate but now I'll be lucky to get my $100 profit sold.

Week 6-Small Business Creation

This week has been a tiny bit less stressful but still not great. I've been so busy that I think my home phone answering machine has been full for about 3 months. There is a perk to it though. The random sales type calls have become almost extinct. I do recommend it. It's kind of nice not to have to chase the phone so much.

The Acton Hero wasn't as inspiring this week as in previous weeks. He is still a great guy with great things to say. I really wish I was brave enough to take that hour I talked about in the assignment and find out what my purpose in life is.

I really liked the discussion about Zappos. I guess the priority of the company makes a difference whether or not a company is willing to pay someone to quit. I wish every business did that. It would seem to increase good customer service which is lacking in a lot of businesses. At first I thought I would want the money but the the more I thought it about it, Zappos must be a pretty good place to work. You probably have to keep a good attitude and pull your weight to keep your job. It might be a tad stressful to have to worry if you were contributing positively to the culture.

I am extremely frustrated with the HMM quiz this week. The instructions say to go through the 20 minute path. I did that and then the quiz covered something entirely different. Totally frustrating.

$100 Challenge
I'm about at the exact same place I was a week ago. I got to finish the first towel this week or last (I'm losing track of the weeks) and began on the second one. I got one row done this weekend when I was out of town. I had hoped to finish the second towel. I'm going to have to block off time sometime this week and get the other items sewn on my sewing machine. It's week 7 in class so I've really got to buckle down and get this done.

Week 5-Small Business Creation

This  has been another week of chaos. My life used to be boring. I had nothing to do all day (except clean which I didn't do). I wasted my days watching TV or playing on the computer. Now I'm so busy I don't know which way is up. No, the cleaning still doesn't get done (by me much anyway) and I can't even find time to crochet or sew my products for my business. I got another order for my business. Now I just have to get the products made. This order came from exactly the kind of person I expected. It's a person who is very capable of making her own product but doesn't have time to do it. I'd be my own perfect customer.

This week in class has been okay. I hate making videos but feel like I did a good job. I filled out the worksheet but it seemed a little more like a sales pitch. I didn't get much feedback before Saturday other than it felt like a sales pitch. They didn't give much suggestion for improvement so I turned it in as is.

Phil Romano is an amazing person! That's the kind of person I'd like to be like. I would like to have money to help other people. Do you focus first on paying your own bills or focus on helping other people? I do what I can but it isn't much.

The Friday reading made me wonder if all these survey companies I try to make money on (never has worked well for me) are the ones doing these customers surveys that are CRAZY expensive. I don't like the quality of the surveys I've done. I wouldn't want to put my money into one of those.

I got a kick out of the "Share of Mind". I transcribe marketing interviews for a company that revamps the marketing of their clients. They interview the leaders in the company and also some of the customers. One of the questions I see almost every time is what competition comes to mind. The HMM this week made me think a little more about the importance of that question.

Week 4-Small Business Creation

This week has been a crazy week. I tried so hard to get all my homework done before Friday but I couldn't do it. We had the wedding reception for my son which wraps up this round of weddings. I was working on homework after midnight last night (so it wouldn't be Sunday anymore) and the website went down. Frustrating.

I liked reading about Italia Factoria. I felt bad for the guy because Mr. Tomato Cafe decided to try to stir up trouble. In business, I suppose imitation isn't the best form of flattery. When you are in most any restaurant you can tell what kind of food is being served by the decorations. I guess I've always assumed that they had the same distribution catalogs to look through and that was why they looked alike.

$100 Challenge Update
I had my original $20 investment plus a pre-pay on a product so I was able to purchase all the materials I needed for the first round of sewing and crocheting. I'm logging my hours and I figure I'm going to have well over 20. I worried about that because I couldn't see how I would spend that much time but I think it will be easy.

I got some great fabrics to use. I have crocheted part of the first towel but my husband was using my computer to watch his football game (after I forgot to record it) so I couldn't continue because that's where my pattern is. I hope to have several items sewn by the end of the week but I have several extra hours of TA duties this week since the exam was last week. One Bag Bag is paid for and two towels are sold as soon as they are made.

Week 3-Small Business Creation

Because of the reading material in this class, I have sat and pondered the changes in my life in the last few years. I used to be home all day and waste the day other than taking care of my kids. I was not productive. Pathway came along and I feel like a new person. I lived in my own little bubble. I have done a few things that I wouldn't have had the courage to do before school.

I rode along with a Sheriff's deputy which I put on my bucket list for B183. It was an eye opening experience because I had many preconceived ideas of how they function. The experience taught me that they are normal people doing a job. The second thing I've done is become a substitute teacher for a special education classroom. I have been out of school for 25+ years. School is also different from the perspective of a student vs the teacher. I have sent my children to school for 18 years but didn't really understand the process of it. It's hard to explain but these experiences have helped me see life differently. They have given me more confidence in myself as weird as that sounds.

The thought of starting my own "real" business still seems quite over the top for me. As I watch the videos of these Acton heroes and read the course material, I feel like I am lost in the process. I don't know how to find out all the information about the steps I need to take start my own business. When reading about the Duct Tours I was amazed he even knew which steps to take. I hope the rest of this semester and my future classes will teach me a lot more that I need to know. I was impressed with the determination that Heather Evans had to get her business going.

$100 Challenge Update:
I have my capital in hand. I now have to find time to make a materials list to make my first few projects. Once I get those sold I'll have more money to buy more materials. I named it Steph's Stitches which I know has my name but it's not my last name. Stitches leaves it open to different projects rather than focusing on bags and/or towels. I keep having to restrain myself while doing my reading for class. I want to stop and put everything into practice. I started researching so I could make my materials list and had to make myself quit and come back to the reading assignment. I'm excited yet nervous. I hope I make the $100 and would love to make $300.

Week 2-Small Business Creation

This week has been so busy that I didn't know what I was going to write this morning (also an indication of being busy because I'm doing homework Monday morning instead of Saturday). As I watched the videos and read this week, I took a few notes in here of things that I thought of. I'm so glad I did.

As I watched the PowerPoint, I kept wanting to get started on measuring, pricing the material and gathering information to make the Bag Bags. Each time I got distracted I had to remind myself that it wasn't time to do that yet.

I know visualizing is key. I know this but don't put it into practice as much as I should. I remember the story of the mother who put a picture of some sort of boat in her house (or her boys' room) and every one of them went into the Navy. I think that's a good reason to have pictures of the temples and of Christ in our homes and maybe even in our children's bedrooms.

In the naming article, I would have liked to have seen some "do's" not just "don't's". It told us what not to do instead of good points to use to create a name. I can cross my fingers and hope I don't have to come up with a name for my business for this class but I don't have high hopes for that.

$100 Challenge Update

I'm probably not much more ahead than last week. I haven't measured or priced materials for the other items I'm going to sew. I know I already have my capital raised but I don't have it in my hand yet. I'm excited yet nervous because what if I don't make the $100 I'm supposed to? I thought about adding Mitered Corner Baby Blankets to the list but they are quite time consuming so I don't think I will but it might be something else I could do for money of my own.

Week 1- Small Business Creation

This week makes me worried about my own grade being affected by the inaction of others. This is part of life but I don’t have to like it. I almost didn’t get 6 replies because a lot of the group didn’t post or didn’t post on time. I think timing in business is everything. Is it okay to walk into the business meeting late? Is it okay to submit your business proposal after the decisions have already been made? I think not.

I liked several of the blogs we looked at this week. Of the ones I looked at Wisebread remained my favorite. As much as I disliked Harvard Business Review many others in my group listed it as their favorite. I don’t really agree with them but that’s okay. It was interesting to me how many liked the same ones. If we could read posts before we submitted our first post I would have said they were cheating. Makes me wonder if we just happened to like the same ones or if the others were that bad.

I was impressed with Corey Bell because most people beginning at 8 years old would just take their circumstances as normal. They wouldn’t have fought out of it.

$100 Challenge Update

I think I’m going to sew Bag Bags which are fabric tubes with elastic on each end that you put your plastic grocery bags in to keep them neat, clean and out of the way. I am going to make a few Potato Bags which are fabric bags you can cook baked potatoes in the microwave. My third item is crocheted towel hangers. I will crochet a hanger (not clothes hanger) onto half of a towel. I bought 6 towels today which will make 12 finished products. I bought them today because I thought they were $1.94 each and put one in my cart just to get started. I got to the checkout and they were actually $0.88 each. I decided that it was worth the investment to go back and get more while they were that much money. It will save $0.53 of overhead per item. Multiply that by 12 items and I will have an extra $6.36 of profit. 

In Laws and Out Laws

The “in law” relationship is high on my radar right about now. My daughter is getting married in September and it sounds like my son will get married before the end of the year. The chapter about in law relationship really struck a chord. Some of it made me feel guilty about some pressure I may have been putting on my oldest. He has been married a year and a half. I asked him if they felt pressured and he said no. That made me feel a lot better. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to be the woman in the picture. 

One thing I have been thinking about is the one-on-one time the chapter said to spend with an in law. I have been thinking since I read that that I should be instituting a “girls’ night” with all the girls. I do not know if I would be comfortable with one-on-one quite yet. I think my daughter in law might be uncomfortable too. She might wonder what is up my sleeve.

 

The other thing that struck a chord was the “Mom” and “Dad” subject. My husband is the oldest of 11 and I am the oldest of four. We have never called each other’s parents mom and dad. We have never felt comfortable with that. Some of his siblings do it and it seems weird. After 25 years of marriage, I do not think we are going to change. I truly cannot tell you what my daughter in law calls me. I remember they asked about “mom” and “dad” but I do not remember what conclusion we all came to. I suppose I do not mind but still think it is a little weird.

Family Councils and Women in the Church

I am so impressed by the Council method that the Church has used. It is a pattern that many families and even businesses could follow. I think my favorite part is picturing the Twelve Apostles munching on cookies while chatting. There are a few steps before we get to the cookies.

1. They set a specific time and place each week for their meeting. It is a sacred place that is free from interruptions.
2. They distribute an agenda before the meeting so that those that will attend will have time to ponder and pray about the items to be discussed.
3. They begin the meeting by expressing love and concern for one another. This is a great step for a family that may struggle with expressing love verbally.
4. They open with prayer.
5. Each item is brought up to discuss member by member.
6. Each item is discussed by each member.
7. The discussion continues until consensus is reached by the Spirit.
8. Future steps are taken according to the decision that was reached.
9. After the meeting is finished they have a snack together.

Family councils each week can follow this pattern also. It is a wonderful relationship building tool that helps families work together to get through this life. There is a book that teaches about the whole council concept. It is by M. Russell Ballard and is called “Counseling with Our Councils: Learning to Minister Together in the Church and in the Family”.

One area that some people have an issue is women in these councils. I really believe that women are important in the church and in the function of the church. Men and women are designed by God to work together and fill in the areas that each other lack. Some women get the concept of equality into their heads. They want to do everything that men do. I believe that women are not made to do what men do nor are men made to do what women do. We each have our own strengths and can complement each other. Women, remember your worth and do your best. 

Are you in the danger zone?

Satan is cunning and smart. He knows that we are not going to jump right into an affair but if he can lure us inch by inch he will be successful. Goddard taught about the stages of unfaithfulness in his chapter on Purity. 

1. The first stage is quite innocent. “We do good, helpful things: supporting a troubled neighbor, sharing gospel ideas with a ward member, working closely with another person on a ward activity, listening to the troubles of a co-worker.” He says the trouble begins when you feel responsible or close to a person that isn’t your spouse. 
2. The next stage is when one or both people declare that the relationship is “special”. Nothing immoral is going on but they make excuses to see each other or exchange gifts. A good tell-tale sign that a relationship is not proper is when the people involved worry about what could be said about them or what their spouses may think. 
3. What Goddard calls the final stage is when physical affections are exchanged no matter how minor. A squeeze. A kiss. Even though intercourse is avoided, the damage to the other relationships is not. He says, “Trust is destroyed. Covenants, with all of their glorious promises, are wasted.”

Repentance is necessary and available but it would be better to avoid this type of relationship in the first place. Goddard gives us 10 guidelines to follow to help us prevent trouble.

1. Do not allow the seeds of lust to germinate. No looking at another with lust or fantasizing about them. 
2. Never make excuses to spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse. 
3. Take responsibility for the messages that you give. No flirting.
4. Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone. No daydreams.
5. If you find yourself making excuses for continuing the relationship, you are addicted. Get help. 
6. Spend more enjoyable time with your spouse. Improve your relationship. Remember no marriage is perfect. 
7. Renew your spiritual efforts. Pray, read scriptures, give service and love your family. 
8. Don’t set yourself up for failure. Avoid the person. 
9. Keep your soul free of the soul-numbing barrenness of pornography. 
10. Celebrate the sweet gift of companionship. Renew your relationship with your spouse.

I hope you are not sitting there saying, “It will never happen to me.” I know too many people who never thought they would be found on the wrong side of the line. You are right when you say you will not have an affair tomorrow but you might find yourself in the first influences of Satan and months down the road you will not recognize yourself. I am thankful that I have been blessed to be strong in this area of marriage but I do not kid myself that it cannot happen to me. I have practiced several of Goddard’s guidelines to prevent it and intend to incorporate more of them. My marriage is worth it. 

Change Yourself

When looking at your marriage who do you think has the most problems? Most people would say their spouse. This week in both of their books Gottman and Goddard each speak about evaluating ourselves and changing ourselves which in turn help up to look at our spouses with a more Christlike view. Our attitude in dealing with our spouse makes a difference. In the Seek to Understand activity, I was able to look at disagreements from my husband's perspective. What did he really want? What did he see as the problem? Sometimes I was in the wrong and needed to acknowledge that. Are you willing to acknowledge when you're the problem?

Goddard explained it using potato salad. He said if you take potato salad that has been left out in the heat and sun for a week and put a pretty garnish of egg slices and parsley on top it is still rotten. If we are putting on a show and not being genuine, we can’t improve our marriages. He said, “A soul is like potato salad. When our souls are permeated with accusation and demands, there is no skill that can cover our malice and meanness.”

Our hope to save our marriage is to turn to Christ. Turn ourselves over to Him and Heavenly Father. They love us and They love our spouse. When we learn to love ourselves as they would, we are better able to love our spouse.

Gottman talked about Six Magic Hours. It adds up the following ways:

Partings: Say goodbye in the morning and find out one thing each partner is doing that day.

Time: 2 mins x 5 days a week.

Total: 10 mins

Reunions: Hug and kiss that lasts at least 6 seconds and stress reducing conversation for 20 minutes.

Time: 20 minutes a day x 5 days a week

Total: 1 hour 40 minutes

Admiration and appreciation: Express genuine affection and appreciation

Time: 5 minutes a day x 5 days

Total: 35 minutes

Affection: Show physical affection. Always embrace before going to sleep.

Time: 5 minutes a day x 5 days

Total: 35 minutes

Weekly Date: One on one time to reconnect and update your love maps. 

Time: 2 hours once a week

Total: 2 hours

State of the Union Meeting: Take one hour to discuss your relationship this week. Take time to discuss what went right and gently discuss improvements. End by asking each other "What can I do this week to help you feel loved?"

Time: 1 hour a week

Grand Total: Six hours!

When is the last time?....

This video is wonderful counsel that can be applied to marriages. I come from a different angle this week. Our huge extended family had to bury a sweet beautiful little 2 year old on Saturday. She was found face down and unconscious in the family pool last Monday night. She sneaked back out after the family came in from swimming. It just as easily been my husband involved in a car accident or my son or my father in law in a work accident, my three girls and me in a plane crash on our way home from visiting my sister for an 11 day vacation. We were on a flight as Susie passed away. I just read of a 92-year-old family member of family on my mom’s side who died in his own home when an impaired driver crashed through his garage and it caught on fire. We really do not know which time will be the last time we see our family members. One of the things my kids said was they wondered what the last thing each of the brothers and sisters said to Susie. I immediately though of the huge amount of contention in our home. It scares me. Have you forgiven your spouse or are these some of the last words you've spoken to them as they've walked out the door?

In chapters 8 and 9 of John M. Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” he teaches about solvable problems and perpetual problems and working on them. Most every marriage is going to have problems. Gottman says it is not the number of problems we have but how we handle them that can determine the success of the marriage. If we can recognize a perpetual problem and learn coping skills to ease the irritation and discomfort the marriage will be okay.

Another thing that stood out to me this week is an experiment suggested by H. William Goddard. In chapter 6 of his book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage”, Goddard talks about Consecration. The Law of Consecration is the willingness to turn over everything we have to Heavenly Father for the building of His kingdom. We have to be willing to give all of ourselves to our marriage. His experiment at the end of the chapter is for 30 days be willing to show nothing but kindness and appreciation to your partner. Set aside complaints and disappointments and see the good intentions and best efforts of your partner. 

How would you do?? Would you feel better about the last few days you had with your significant other? Comment with your thoughts. 

Is pride lurking in your marriage?

I was reading a talk by President Ezra Taft Benson about pride titled "Beware of Pride" published in the May 1989 issue of the Ensign this week. President Benson taught some great concepts about pride. We can apply these concepts to marriages. He said:

Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.

Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of “my will and not thine be done.”

In the context of marriage, how many times do we want our own way? Are you guilty of demanding that things are done your way? President Benson goes on to say:

Our enmity toward God takes on many labels, such as rebellion, hard-heartedness, stiff-neckedness, unrepentant, puffed up, easily offended, and sign seekers. The proud wish God would agree with them. They aren’t interested in changing their opinions to agree with God’s.

Another major portion of this very prevalent sin of pride is enmity toward our fellowmen. We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them.

Do some of these traits describe some of your relationship with your spouse? Do some of these describe your spouse? Re-read it now and see if you can see yourself in it.

Now that you see some pride in yourself, do not lose hope. President Benson gave some ideas to help us learn to give up our pride and become more humble.

God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble. Alma said, “Blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble.” (Alma 32:16.)

Let us choose to be humble.

We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are. (See D&C 38:24; D&C 81:5; D&C 84:106.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by receiving counsel and chastisement. (See Jacob 4:10; Hel. 15:3; D&C 63:55; D&C 101:4–5; D&C 108:1; D&C 124:61, 84; D&C 136:31; Prov. 9:8.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by forgiving those who have offended us. (See 3 Ne. 13:11, 14; D&C 64:10.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by rendering selfless service. (See Mosiah 2:16–17.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by going on missions and preaching the word that can humble others. (See Alma 4:19; Alma 31:5; Alma 48:20.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by getting to the temple more frequently.

We can choose to humble ourselves by confessing and forsaking our sins and being born of God. (See D&C 58:43; Mosiah 27:25–26; Alma 5:7–14, 49.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by loving God, submitting our will to His, and putting Him first in our lives. (See 3 Ne. 11:11; 3 Ne. 13:33; Moro. 10:32.)

Let us choose to be humble. We can do it. I know we can.

What a great boost for us! He has faith in us. I challenge you to pick one of his ideas and see if you can apply it to your marriage to make some improvements. Come back, comment, and let me know what changes were made. I would love to hear your success stories.

Turning Toward One Another

Our own reactions to spoken words or situations can make a big difference in our marriages. Do you hear a plea for help or a criticism when your spouse says, "You can't ever fold the laundry, can you?" Maybe your spouse just wants help folding the laundry but does not want to ask or does not know how to ask nicely since they are frustrated. Gottman teaches us to "Turn Toward One Another" in the book I've been talking about.

In Goddard's book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", he describes becoming more Christlike: 

As we turn from the ways of the natural man to the ways of Christ, we will respond to our challenges differently. Instead of judging our partner, we will invite Christ to soften our hearts and fill us with goodness. No challenges or differences in marriage can thwart the work of god-given charity.

We are here on earth to control the natural man. In the situation above, we can choose to get angry or to realize that the statement was really asking for something that was needed. 

When we recognize the need and respond accordingly, we are "turning toward" each other. Other ways to turn toward each other is doing little things together. Some examples that Gottman gives are clean house, do laundry, exercise together, talk or read together by an open fire, listen to music, or even pay bills. There are many suggestions he gives so that you can choose ones that will work for your own marriage. 

I know when my husband and I go out of town or spend the day running errands together we get along better and actually feel closer. I feel a rush of love when even at home in the hustle and bustle of life, he helps cook dinner, gets me lunch, or puts away some clothes. He did not do these things before so I am able to recognize he is trying to make me happy. 

I have found myself listening to what he is really intending instead of jumping to conclusions and getting angry. Learning to do this has helped me feel closer because I am not as often frustrated.

Making a Love (Map) Connection

The reading I have done this week has been about connection, seeing the good in our spouses and self-sacrifice. Gottman uses the term “Love Map” when talking about the connection between spouses. How much do you know about your spouse whether you have been married one, five, ten, twenty or even 40 years? There is always something new to learn. In the book I shared last week, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, Gottman has many exercises in Chapters 4 and 5 that help you figure out how well you know your spouse and help you improve your fondness and admiration. I would highly recommend any read those chapters even if you are happily married.

My husband and I went to the next town over to visit the Twin Falls Temple and run errands. We were able to work through one of the exercises on the way there and back. It was wonderful to reminisce about our early years and what has happened in the 25 years since we started dating. He sure remembered more than I did. We had a fun day together and strengthened the connections on our "Love Map".

The more fondness and admiration you have for your spouse the more your love grows. President Henry B. Eyring gave a talk in the October 2009 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints titled “Our Perfect Example”. I enjoyed the way he taught us about Christ teaching us how to love. We can apply this to our marriages. Here is the relevant portion of that talk:

Love is the motivating principle our perfect example. Our way of life, hour by hour, must be filled with the love of God and love for others. There is no surprise in that, since the Lord proclaimed those as the first and great commandments. It is love of God that will lead us to keep His commandments. And love of others is at the heart of our capacity to obey Him. 
by which the Lord leads us along the way towards becoming like Him, 

Just as Jesus used a child in His mortal ministry as an example for the people of the pure love they must and could have to be like Him, He has offered us the family as an example of an ideal setting in which we can learn how to love as He loves. 

That is because the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is. And the sorrow comes primarily from selfishness, which is the absence of love. The ideal God holds for us is to form families in the way most likely to lead to happiness and away from sorrow. A man and a woman are to make sacred covenants that they will put the welfare and happiness of the other at the center of their lives. Children are to be born into a family where the parents hold the needs of children equal to their own in importance. And children are to love parents and each other.

That is the ideal of a loving family. In many of our homes, there are the words “Our Family Can Be Together Forever.” There is a gravestone near my home of a mother and grandmother. She and her husband were sealed in the temple of God to each other and to their posterity for time and all eternity. The inscription on the gravestone reads, “Please, no empty chairs.” She asked for that inscription because she knew that whether the family will be together depends on the choices each family member makes. The word “please” is there because neither God nor she can compel another to choose happiness. And there is Satan, who wants misery, not happiness, in families in this life and in the next.

My hope today is to suggest some choices which may seem difficult but that would assure you that you have qualified for there to be no empty chairs in your family in the world to come.

First, I give counsel to husbands and wives. Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion. 

I saw this in my parents’ marriage. In my mother’s final illness, the more uncomfortable she became, the more giving her comfort became the dominant intent of my father’s life. He asked that the hospital set up a bed in her room. He was determined to be there to be sure that she wanted for nothing. He walked the miles to work each morning and back to her side at night through those difficult times for her. I believe it was a gift from God to him that his power to love grew when it mattered so much to her. I think he was doing what Jesus would have done out of love.

When we follow the teachings of Christ and the Church leaders of obedience and self-sacrifice we are better able to sustain our marriages and also become more like our Heavenly Father.  

Signs of Potential Divorce

 

Finding what is right in a happy marriage is like studying the successful companies in the book "Good to Great" by Jim Collins. He studied companies to understand what made a company succeed rather than fail. John M. Gottman has done the same thing with marriages and teaches about it in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. He talks about how he can predict with great certainty if a marriage is going to succeed or fail.

There are some warning signs to watch for which is what he uses to predict divorce. Do you have some of these warning signs in your marriage?

1. The First Sign: Harsh Start-up--Do you just jump into a fight guns blazing? Criticism and sarcasm are red flags that you are starting your argument as a Harsh Start-up. The outcome of a conversation can be predicted based on the first three minutes.
2. The Second Sign: The Four Horsemen
   • Horseman #1: Criticism-There is a big difference between a criticism and a complaints. We all have complaints but we need to keep them from evolving into a criticism. Criticisms are along the lines of personal attacks whereas complaints are stating a problem and how you feel about it.
   • Horseman #2: Contempt-This is more damaging than criticism. It is superiority, disgust, or even belligerence toward your spouse. It is a higher level of personal attacks.
   • Horseman #3: Defensiveness-This Horseman can cause you to lash out at your spouse and become snide and mocking. It builds upon the other two Horsemen. It is hard to come to a peaceable solution if you have these three Horsemen present in your conversations/arguments.
   • Horseman #4: Stonewalling-Have you ever shut someone out and just quit listening to them? That is what stonewalling is like. When you’re hearing what someone is saying to you but not listening nor responding anymore. It is seen more often in older marriages.
3. The Third Sign: Flooding--When being Flooded a person turns to Stonewalling as a protection mechanism against the other signs. Flooding is “feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed”. You want to do anything to escape the Harsh Start-up and/or the Four Horsemen.
4. The Fourth Sign: Body Language--Gottman says that he doesn’t even have to listen to an argument to understand its impact. The husband in his example stonewalls his spouse. His physiological readings would tell the story of the physical effects he is trying to avoid. It is detrimental to the body.
5. The Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts--This is when one person tries to cut the tension and bring the conversation to a more positive level. 
6. The Sixth Sign: Bad Memories--Marriages get to a point where every memory becomes a bad memory because the couple focuses on the negative. 

These signs don't doom a marriage to failure. The important part is what is called a "Repair Attempt". A Repair Attempt is when one of the couple tries to steer the argument or discussion to a more positive note either with humor or with positive statements. If the couple recovers easily and if the repair attempts work well then the couple has a better chance of a good outcome. 

Nurturing a covenant marriage

There are two types of marriages. There are contractual marriages and covenant marriages. We may have a temple wedding but our actions will make the difference between a contractual and a covenant marriage. Bruce C. Hafen in an Ensign article in November of 1996 titled “Covenant Marriage” said,

When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent. Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will.

There are many ways to elevate the quality of your marriage. We will have been married 25 years this fall. Sometimes married couples tend to get comfortable and let the little things slide. I have been thinking about implementing marriage “rules” for more than a month now. They are not big endeavors but we know that small efforts will add up to big results. I say that they are not big endeavors because some people do these types of things every day but we had not for a long time, since it was one of the things that we had let slide. I talked to my husband this past weekend and we set up some rules for the two of us. The two rules that we bring into play most often are a Good Morning and Goodnight kiss and hug and a kiss goodbye and hello each time one of us leaves without the other. We do a few other things that help to keep us connected. We try to attend the temple at least once a month, if not twice, together. We usually try to eat out when we go to make the day last a little longer. It gives us more time to talk. What are some spoken or unspoken rules you have with your spouse that helps you elevate your marriage to a covenant marriage?

We are one week or so into the rules now and I can tell you the rules have made a significant difference. We kiss more. We talk more. We call each other out when we miss a rule then we get to kiss even more. I feel a lot closer to my husband and it helps me think about him more often through the day.

My grandparents will have been married 70 years in July. They have a covenant marriage. Their children haven't followed suit as well as they should have. No one is perfect and it's never too late to hitch up your pant legs and get on the path to a better marriage. Here's what 70 years looks like:

(Okay, I lied. These pictures were taken 4 years ago but you see what I mean.)

Supreme Court Obergefell et al. v. Hodges--my opinion

I was truthfully getting a little worried as a read the Supreme Court's decision in OBERGEFELL ET AL. v. HODGES. Unfortunately, the majority's arguments were making me agree with them. Liberty is important. I began to wonder if I really could support them. Once I started reading the dissenting half of the decision, I felt much better. Their arguments made much more sense. I felt like the children needed to be protected but they need to be protected in the Lord's way. They need to be taught His ways and not the ways of the world. In our readings last week we read how children living in single parent homes or with both biological parents are much better off than in a "step" situation. Unless adopted, one parent or the other will not be blood related to the child in a same-sex marriage. This may leave the child at a greater risk of abuse in some form.

It is scary to think of what the loss of democracy could mean. They really should not be ruling on something like that. What else could they pass that would be even worse? With the state of the presidential candidates, our country could be headed for even greater wickedness. I hear people often saying, "How much worse could it get?" I am afraid with rulings like this and the next president we are about to find out.

Marriage has been between a man and a woman from the beginning of this earth. I do not believe that the foundation of marriage should be changed. It is another spiral deeper into chaos. Judge Samuel A. Alito said:

If this traditional understanding of the purpose of marriage does not ring true to all ears today, that is probably because the tie between marriage and procreation has frayed. Today, for instance, more than 40% of all children in this country are born to unmarried women. This development undoubtedly is both a cause and a result of changes in our society’s understanding of marriage.

Russell M. Nelson spoke at a BYU commencement. Here's a small bit about marriage:

The greatest guardians of any and all virtues are marriage and family. This is particularly the case with the virtues of chastity and fidelity in marriage, both of which are required to create enduring and fully rewarding marriage partnerships and family relationships. 

Male and female are created for what they can do and become, together. It takes a man and a woman to bring a child into the world. Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable. Men and women are distinct and complementary. Children deserve a chance to grow up with both a mom and a dad. 

As you go forth from BYU, you will likely encounter increasing debate about the definition of marriage. Many of your neighbors, colleagues, and friends will have never heard logical and inspired truths about the importance of marriage as God Himself defined it. You will have many opportunities to strengthen understanding of the Lord’s side of that argument by the eloquence of your examples, both as individuals and as families.

How many other things will be destroyed by the worldly thinking surrounding us if we don't stand up for what is important to God?

The Importance of Marriage in a Throwaway Society as It Effects Children

As I was reading some material about marriage and divorce, I was saddened by the state of society's views on divorce, births to unwed mothers, and cohabitation (living together) and their effects on children. Many people believe that the children involved are not affected. Some startling statistics said otherwise. Children are being thrown away in favor of the parent’s wants. It is hard to measure the effects that divorce or cohabitation has on children because other factors can play a part in the behaviors mentioned. One chart from Paul R. Amato in The Future of Children, 15(2), 75-96 shows the reduction in certain behaviors if family structures had continued the same as a certain point in time.

When reading the chart, you can see that almost 40% of one-parent adolescents had been suspended from school. Compare that with the 1960’s 25.4% but not with a percentage number. Convert those percentages to real numbers. I do not know what the population of adolescents was in 1995 but a drop of 15% has to represent a huge number of children that could have lived a little better life. When looking at the difference just between a two parent home and a one parent home in columns 1 and 2, the children that have needed therapy more than doubles. When looking at this chart, how can people say that marriage does not matter?

These children often suffer from poverty, abuse, and subpar parenting. Amato said:

Specifically, compared with children who grow up in stable, two parent families, children born outside marriage reach adulthood with  less  education, earn less income, have lower occupational status, are more likely to be idle (that is, not employed and not in school),  are  more likely to have a nonmarital birth (among  daughters), have more troubled marriages, experience higher rates of divorce, and report more symptoms  of depression.

Does this sound like our children are not harmed by anything less than a two parent household? 

Amato also addressed the difference between a single parent home when divorce or an ended cohabitation was the cause versus when death is the cause. It was very interesting that those children exhibited problems in some areas but they are stronger in others.

The old playground song had it right: “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Sally with a baby carriage.”

Here's some marriage advice from Dallin H Oaks.

After completing these articles this week, my feelings about marriage have been reinforced. Our nation’s children need our protection and our guidance to become better citizens than they are projected to be.